Healing begins with the Lord. I often forget that minor but very important detail. The moments that I feel like hiding away, feeling irritated and overwhelmed with life-this is where I should always be.
Wednesday I started bleeding for no reason. Having previous miscarriages this triggered something in me. I felt tears starting to burn in my eyes and a vast amount of different emotions flooding my body. I did not completely understand the emotions that I was feeling. It was just irregular bleeding-that was all. I talked myself into believing this was just one of those trigger moments. Irregular bleeding that I was not expecting was just reminding me of my miscarriages, the two babies that I lost. I recognized my fears and I prayed that God would give me grace as I continue to heal from this past year.
I went about my day but asked my husband to purchase a pregnancy test on his way home. I thought the visual of a negative pregnancy test would help me process through this trigger moment. I wanted to prove to myself that nothing bad was happening. Again, this was just a moment that was triggering emotions from my past miscarriages. That evening I enjoyed the warm sun and ice cream with my family. During those tough moments that is where I feel most at home-with them.
Through-out the night the bleeding continued and became more aggressive. I pulled out the pregnancy test and to my surprise it was a positive test. I was experiencing a early miscarriage. This pregnancy was ending before I even knew that it began. For a moment I shed a few tears, for a moment I panicked because of my experience with an ectopic pregnancy, and then the shame set in.
I felt embarrassed, obnoxious, stupid. How many miscarriages can one women have before people just grow tired of you? I have control over this situation. It clearly is not working for me, so we should just stop trying, stop hurting ourselves.
That same day-Hilaria Baldwin went public about her own fear that she was having a miscarriage on her public page. She received much support but also much negativity. She was seen as someone that just wanted attention, someone who should have kept her miscarriage to herself until it was over. Someone made the comment that she already had children so her post was offensive. Many comments were made that I will not quote.
It showed me how lonely this place is. How could someone believe speaking about your miscarriage publicly is for attention? How could someone make a comment to a mother losing her baby that was nothing but support? That is all we want, support. We want to feel less alone in this place that feels so dark.
Reading those comments only made my own fears come alive in my mind. Maybe they were not just my own fears but how people would actually see me. After all, that is how they are seeing her.
This place is lonely. Knowing your body is failing you, feeling like you are failing your family, experiencing another loss, feeling shame and embarrassment--no matter how strong of a woman you are this is a hard place. I know truth. I know this is not my fault. But I am still human and my emotions are running wild and I am unable to real them in.
In this moment I am remembering that The Lord knows my heart and understands my emotions. He understands loss, He understands what it feels like to have others speak things about you that are untrue, He understands grief, He understands fear. He is the ultimate safe place.
During such a vulnerable time-there is no room for shame. There is no room for judgment. There is no room for negativity. There is no room for me to be placing those burdens on my own shoulders.
It is in your pain that God is closest to you, whether you realize it or not. The Bible says in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”
No matter what you are suffering through-He is near. His plan is good, His grace is sufficient, His words are truth, His love is greater than anything of this world, He is bigger than every circumstance. I will continue to repeat..
Even now-It is well with my soul.
Thursday night I chose to go on a date with my husband and a few friends. I chose to not speak about miscarriage. I needed to just be with people. They made me laugh, they reminded me that I can still feel human walking through this. They reminded me that I have loving friendships. They reminded me that I was not alone. They reminded me that, maybe, there's nothing that a little Mexican food and margaritas can’t fix. They did this all without knowing. I am so grateful for the friends who love me.
This season is becoming harder than I ever imagined it could be, but I will continue to mourn my babies. I do not want to become desensitized to this loss just because it has happened so often.
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30).