I wasn't the woman who struggled to conceive. I wasn't the woman who struggled to conceive a second time after first conceiving and giving birth to child number one.
I am the woman for whom there isn't a term to describe her "infertility" journey.
I am the woman for whom conception took some doing (literally and figuratively) but was successful...and yet...remained childless.
My own journey started seven years ago, as I laid on the couch googling all the things.
I sat in wait to learn if “low heart tones” had changed to “no heart tones” or if that tiny struggling heart was beating on and growing stronger by the minute. The heaviness on my own heart making it hard to take in breaths.
Two days later my worst fears were realized.
And I found myself on that same couch. The heaviness on my heart quadrupled, googling all the things, again.
Then, over the course of four short years, I would go on to lose a total of six consecutive pregnancies.
2. Ectopic pregnancy resulting in a ruptured fallopian tube requiring emergency surgery and LOTS of recovery time.
6. Successful – and then failed – IVF. Miscarriage. Twins.
Six pregnancies. Six losses. Seven babies in heaven.
I was hardly afforded the opportunity to catch my breath and recover before the next tragedy struck. With each new pregnancy my excitement faded and terror set in until my worst fears were realized once again.
It doesn’t seem fair, having to live through such a horrifying reality.
And it’s not. It’s not fair.
Not for me. Not for any other woman who has found herself turning the pages of a similar story in her own life.
The details differ but we circle back to meet in a similar space....childless and heartbroken for our inability to conceive and successfully carry a baby to term.
For the woman making sense of her own heartache as a result of any definition of infertility, yet I want to offer you this:
It sucks. There’s just no two ways around it and it's not fair to sugar-coat what is reality.
It’s everything awful plus more than you could have ever imagined BUT your story doesn’t end here…and neither did mine…