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Challenge: Pregnancy and Infant Loss

How my losses led me back to God

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I grew up in church. My mother was a preacher before she became a mother so she made sure we grew up knowing God. But when I got older, I strayed. I didn’t think I needed him. I’m ashamed to say that today. I’m ashamed I turned away.

In 2013 my husband and I found out we were expecting. We were ecstatic. We’d been trying for a baby and was having a hard time. Those two pink lines were our dreams coming true. We went to the first appointment and heard the baby’s heartbeat. It was perfect. The second appointment wasn’t so happy. After not being able to find baby’s heartbeat with the Doppler, the doctor sent us to ultrasound. I remember staring at the ceiling as the tech did her job. She hadn’t said a word so I finally choked out something along the lines of “Is our baby okay?” She excused herself to find the doctor. When he came back in, he broke the news. Our baby was gone and so was the twin. Twins?! How could they not have told us? I cried the whole way home. I climbed in bed and cried myself to sleep. I woke up and at first was angry. Angry that God would take away the one thing he knew we wanted more than anything.

My mom called me and she talked me through it. She explained that God makes no mistakes. His love for us is unending. He knows the plans he has for us. He will not take anything away without letting something grow in its place. I prayed for the first time in a long time. I asked God to show me the way. Guide me to what his plans were. Seven months later and there was two pink lines again. A long nine months later and we had our beautiful baby girl. There were some challenges as she was born with health issues that required a long NICU stay and surgery at two weeks. It was at that point that I became angry with God again. I was thankful for the gift of our sweet baby girl but couldn’t understand why she had to face problems.

Again, my mom talked me through. God healed our daughter. She grew to be completely normal and healthy. I was thankful to God but eventually strayed away from him again.

When my husband and I had decided to try for one more baby, my mom told me that I needed to pray. Talk to God. I had turned away from him for so long that I didn’t take her seriously. I didn’t think I needed him. How wrong I was.

In the summer of 2018, we discovered we were expecting again. We were nervous but happy. Our daughter was excited to be a big sister. Our joy was short lived. We miscarried a second time. Another angel baby. I was numb. This time though, I realized I NEEDED God. I CRAVED a relationship with God. I could not face the journey without him. So I prayed. Then I prayed some more. I cried out to him. I begged him that if he saw it fitting to give us just one more, that he would.

March of 2019 arrived and we yet again discovered we were expecting. My husband and I prayed and pleaded with God. We prayed the whole nine months. In December, God gave us our second miracle. Our sweet baby boy was perfect and healthy.

I’ve strived to stay consistent with God. I pray multiple times a day. I thank him for all he has done and all of the gifts he’s given. In a time where faith is ridiculed for various reasons, I find it more necessary.

God got me through two miscarriages. Three unimaginable losses that at times, crippled me to the point of being unable to get out of bed. I still struggle sometimes. There are days where I’m incredibly numb and just cannot properly function. But then I talk to God, and I find peace. If only just a small amount, it’s enough to take comfort in and push through.

Although I’m heartbroken over the babies I didn’t get a chance to meet, I’m thankful for the lessons that losing them taught me. I’m thankful for the journey they took me on. Most importantly, I’m thankful they walked me right back into the arms of God.

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