Yesterday I found myself back in one of the most most painful memories I have, at the hospital where I saw my beautiful niece, Emily, who was born sleeping there almost 4 years ago.
I avoid going past that hospital, I don't look at the entrance area if I do have to go past, that entrance my parents, my sister and my niece walked out of when we were broken in a way I never knew possible.
You know something awful has happened when you wake up to a call early hours of the morning from your mum who is trying not to cry so you drive safely over to her so she can tell you some thing.
Initially I thought it was my grandad, he was so ill , I cried as I drove, my heart broken, then I feared it could be my dad, I was scared and all the worst thoughts go through your mind when you get a call like this.
Nothing like what had actually happened crossed my mind. Because that sort of devastation, doesn't happen to us, that is rare- I thought.
When I got to my mum and my sister Katie, it was dark still. Katie told me what had happened.
My oldest sister Michelle had given birth to a baby girl and the baby had died.
I don't have all the answers, there is no clear reason why and nobody to blame, there is just sadness.
I had a new niece, who was born full term, sleeping.
My sister had called my mum when she went into labor, my mum was with her for the birth.
They told her there was no heart beat when she arrived to hospital and baby Emily was born quickly after.
I cannot imagine how horrible it would be to go through labor knowing your baby has already gone.
the biggest fear during labor for me, was waiting to hear the baby cry once they were born, i have been blessed to hear my three babies cry.
I am so sorry this happened to you, you reading this who knows exactly what that pain is.
To say the relationship I have with my sister Michelle is complicated, is an understatement, I Love her and I know her very well so over the years there has been many ups and downs.
When Emily was born, things had been "rocky" between us, between all three of us sisters.
But there was no way in hell that I wasn't going to be there by her side immediately.
Michelle was in shock and traumatized, she wasn't making any sense, none of us could.
What made everything so much worse, was how my niece, was kept in this tiny side room which I believe was a closet, there was supplies and bedding shelves in this little room, which had a bassinet in, which our little Emily lay in asleep.
The light was off before we went in, she was in the dark .
It was no place for an angel. We had Emily brought into Michelle's room, and that's where she stayed till the final moment when Michelle had to leave. Without her baby.
Michelle was on the ward with all the babies. We heard the babies crying and I think we all looked every time. To see if it was our baby.
Michelle was so scared at first, to see Emily. My other sister, my mum and I saw Emily first, with Michelle's blessing.
Emily was tiny, she was a the image of beauty and the definition of precious.
My sister and I stroked her, her cold cheeks, we placed an angel teddy with her. We added a blanket.
I will never every forget that beautiful face.
My parents, broke.
My sister in law, also, has lost a daughter. The anniversary of her daughter is 5 days after Emily's. When your in a time like this, when nobody is able to cope, we reach out to those we know are safe, those who are home.
When I spoke to my sister in law, I couldn't help but babble everything out.
This incredible women, who lives every day with a broken heart, came to the hospital. She was there for my sister. I don't know how she did it, but she did. I am so grateful she was there. She captured photos of my niece, for my sister to have when she was ready.
My sister in law is apart of an amazing company who work to help and support families who have gone through miscarriage and stillborn loss- Sands Australia.
Leaving the hospital that day, our bodies walked but our souls crawled behind us.
I ended up back here yesterday, I slowly realized where the GPS was taking me, it was the only pharmacy that I could find that could do my son's script.
The feeling was fresh again, heart break and anger, why her.
Why Emily? 🦋