It’s finally here…
what you’ve been waiting for and longing for, for what seems like an incredibly long time.
It’s a kid-free night with your spouse.
While you are not truly alone together, their 7:30 pm weekday night bedtime does give you just enough sexy time before the youngest beckons momma to bed around 10 p.m.
So, what is it that you must do to guarantee your wife will welcome and appreciate your advances this evening? What can you do for her to get her in the mood for some dad-bod?
If she is already in her granny-panties and oversized night-shirt, you have failed. You have lost your hard-to-come-by chance.
However, if tomorrow, you start your efforts from the wee hours of the morning, by 8 p.m., well, she will barely be able to keep her hands off of you.
Here’s what you need to do:
1. Wake up before her.
And I don’t mean like 5 minutes before her. I am suggesting that you wake up at least 20-30 minutes before her rising — just enough time for you to get the coffee going, wake the children, put them in front of the TV, set them up with breakfast and cold milk, and get the lunches started.
2. Help with the children in the morning.
This means if little Johnny needs help getting his socks on, it’s Daddy to the rescue. If Sally is having a meltdown because she wanted to wear the light pink socks and not the white ones, then you search for the damn missing socks, or you find a way to convince your wife’s mini-me that white is the new pink (and all that Mommy had washed).
3. Throw a load in — the washer that is.
I know what you were thinking. You’re gross and getting ahead of yourself.
4. Give her some spontaneous affection.
By that I mean grope her some. Pinch her booty. Do a little wrap around feel-up when you hug her good morning. Intentionally brush up against her as you lean in for more coffee.
5. Check in with her during the day.
Random “how are you doing?” notes and “I just wanted to say hi” messages mean so much more to her than you would expect, whether she is stuck in the office at a job that makes her unhappy or home with the kiddos driving her up the wall.
6. Sext her.
Google flirty memes — now you are set.
7. Arrive home on time.
If you tell her you will be home around 6 p.m., don’t carelessly stroll in the door at 7:30 p.m. and give her attitude when she stink-eyes you. Recognize that often she sets her schedule to align with yours, and when you are late, dinner is cold, bedtime is later, and her patience is much thinner.
8. Thank her for dinner.
Even if it sucked. Also if the steak was overcooked or if the veggies were under-seasoned, and if despite your typical voiced disapproval, she is once again feeding your son dinosaur chicken nuggets, just say thank you. Say thank you; for her day-in and day-out efforts to feed all of your little energy and love-sucking leeches.
9. Clean up dinner.
Not just your plate and not just leaving your clean plate in the sink. Walk your skinny-ass (which she will jealously look at and wonder how in the world you can eat ten dinner rolls and still manage to lose weight) over to the dishwasher and place the table items in there — yours, hers, the children’s, and any and all serving dishes. If you really want to get her going, actually place the dishwashing pod in the dishwasher and turn it on. Speaking of turn it on, yep, you are so close to doing that for her.
10. Offer to massage her while you watch a show or movie of her choice.
This combines two things a woman loves — touching her in a way that relaxes her and a mindless or inspiring show depending on her mood.
If you follow even a few of these suggestions, I forecast that your wife will feel more appreciated by you, and a wife that feels appreciated will want to make you feel appreciated as well.
Just a few tips for getting lucky with your wife, and don’t be disappointed if that consists of her informing you that you already got lucky — when she married you.
This article originally appeared on Scary Mommy.