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This Halloween Beware Of The Fun-Suckers

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Beware the Fun-suckers – they are everywhere.

I was helping out at my daughter’s school for Halloween desperately trying to figure out how to best arrange apple slices and Craisins into some sort of “fun” Halloweenie snack. I looked up from my futile endeavor and saw all the excitement on the kids faces as they got ready for the school parade, so I leaned over to the mom next to me, who was busy pouring spring water into tiny Dixie cups and said, “I love Halloween. Don’t you?”

She grimaced. “No, I hate it. Candy and costumes? What a stupid, useless holiday.”


Stupid, useless holiday?

Seriously? Halloween is like the best holiday ever! You throw a pumpkin on the porch, finally have a chance to wear that witch’s hat that your kids gave you for Mother’s Day (Wait, am I the only one that got that for a gift?) and throw sweets at giggling children. That’s it. There’s no pressure, it’s just about having fun.

Pure stupid, useless fun.

Unless you are a Fun-Sucker.

One of my very first experiences with Fun-Suckers was at the kindergarten open house. After the teacher spoke ad nauseam about the educational “curriculum” (apparently kindergarten is not just about making friends, eating glues sticks and learning to wipe your own butt anymore) she asked if anyone had any questions. Someone near me cleared her throat.

“I was thinking,” Fun-sucker said, “That perhaps we could celebrate birthdays in the classroom this year with carrot sticks and hummus or perhaps mini-bagels and cream cheese. You know, to promote healthy eating habits.”

My quick thinking spouse placed his hand across my mouth and dragged me from the classroom.

I am all for healthy eating. I know there is an obesity crisis in this country and so yes, let’s add more recess and get rid of french fries and ice cream in the cafeteria, but com’on, carrot sticks on your birthday when you are six? That just sucks, at any age.

Now, all you allergy kids, don’t worry, I’ll happily bring in a special treat for you, and gluten free children, I got you covered too, but we have to do something about these grown up Fun-Suckers before they drain away everything that is sweet and fun and stupid and “useless” about childhood!

Later that day, after the Halloween Craisin-Apple-Water “party” (and BTW Craisins, apple slices and water only make a party if you are in prison) I ran into a friend whose child is in a different classroom. I mentioned that I saw her son at the Halloween parade and a huge smile spread across her face. She looked furtively about before whispering to me, “Jason was afraid that they were only going to have water and fruit at the party, but he actually came home with FROSTING on his face! Can you believe it! Frosting! Someone must have snuck in some cupcakes. He loved it!”

So, here’s a little news flash for all you Fun-suckers out there: kids like frosting. They might need water and Craisins, but they also need frosting… and you know what else, all us adults could probably use a little more frosting on our faces.

Now excuse me, I have to go find that felon that snuck in the cupcakes and become best friends with her.

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