It stares at me every time I walk into the office, with a look of defiance that often makes me turn around and walk away. But when I walk away, I feel even worse. I know it will grow even bigger by the time I return. The days I feel brave enough to confront it, I’m usually struck that it isn’t quite as fierce as I had imagined. After all, it’s only paper.
I’m not sure why I allow paperwork to be my nemesis. I spend hours a day at my desk, where I often waste plenty of time writing unnecessary emails and looking through social media, trying not to let my eyes rest on the giant pile to my left. It’s bills and school notices and various “to dos” - nothing wicked. Why do I avoid it until it’s two feet high?
A precariously perched pile of pieces of uninspiring nonsense that wakes me up in the night with worry, Did I pay that bill? When are the medical forms due? Have we gotten next year’s school schedule yet? Where did I put those tickets to the show this weekend?
The only thing I can come up with is that on some level, I must NEED to have those worries keeping me up at night. I must NEED a miscellaneous assortment of silly worries to keep my brain from lingering over bigger things. Lord knows I have some bigger things that would keep me awake. Worries that I can’t simply erase with an hour or two of tackling paperwork.
When you have a child with special needs, you have a multitude more to worry about than other parents - you just do. You have all the regular parenting concerns - How is my child doing in school? Are they getting all the proper nutrition? Have they been to the dentist this year? BUT, on top of that you have the special worries - How quickly will they end up in the hospital if they get that flu that’s going around? Does that restaurant have a bathroom big enough to change my child if they soil their pants? Who would care for my child if I get sick? What will happen to them when I am gone?
It’s not to say that special parents spend every waking moment being bombarded with lingering questions. Most of us manage to get through most days without falling into the well of despair. We learn to compartmentalize our thoughts and structure our days so that they are manageable. We learn to prioritize our daily list so that we don’t get over-tired. We know that we need to stay strong. After all, we are our children’s greatest hope for having the best lives they can. If we fall apart, who would fill our shoes?
So, we stay strong and focused and, when all else fails, we do things to trick ourselves into focusing on the mundane. It’s way easier to worry about whether or not I ordered my child’s new medication or paid the electric bill, then what will happen if he has another massive seizure.
So, the next time I walk into the office, I’m not going to turn away. Instead, I’m going to sit right down with my pile of papers and thank it for being there. Then, I am going to check my Facebook feed.