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Parenting Four Before Sunrise: An Ode to the Craziness

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Head on microwave
Icing finger
Finger smacked in cabinet retrieving tea party set
Mother f—ker
Mom, you aren’t supposed to say f—

Kids fighting over a magic wand
Dog barking on the stairs
Wiping away tears
Back to breakfast
Scrambling little guy’s eggs
Packing older girl’s lunch and snack
Turkey sandwich again

Little guy makes hot chocolate in the Keurig
Grab the last paper towel
Where are the extra rolls?!


Can I call my dad? Why isn’t he picking up?
Little girl asks
Honey, it’s only 6 am
Up since 5 am
One kid woke another, then me

Unloading the dishwasher
Taking out trash
Toasting an English muffin
Heating up sausage
Big guy comes down
Zip your fly, brush your hair!
Did you finish your homework?
Older girl follows, half-asleep
Morning meds for strep and sinus infection


To older girl
Don’t forget your leotard today!
Syrup spill
Water spill
Brush teeth, everyone!
Clean up the dog’s pee
Wait, where is the dog’s favorite toy?
Everybody looks
Here! On the living room rug
By his poop

Email older girl’s drama teacher
Rehearsal today?
Let’s play a game, Mama!
Yeti in my Spaghetti
Little guy loses
He cries
No more Yeti in my Spaghetti
Am I an animal?
On to Headbandz


Actually I can’t play without the coffee
Glancing at newspapers
Picking out their outfits
I hate pants, little guy says
I want to wear my party dress! Little girl adds
I hate pants
Can I wear my princess dress?
No sweetie, it’s a school day
I hate pants
I know you hate pants, love, but it’s 20 degrees out
I hate pants. Only shorts.
I’ll give you two chocolate chips if you wear pants
He thinks

I’m leaving for school!
You can’t leave yet. It’s only 7 am!
I don’t want to be late!
You need a sweater! A hat
I’m fine
I’m part Colorado
No you’re not. You were born in NYC
Can I watch TV now?!
Both girls beg
No! Still no!
But that one time you said yes!!
And I’m cursing myself for it

Quick check: any likes on Instagram?
Yes! One comment!
Mom, where’s my homework packet??!!
Older girl screams
I left it on my bed and now it’s gone!
I don’t know, I haven’t been in your room
Help me!!

Guys, I have to get dressed too
I have a podcast this morning with an amazing author
No one cares
No one even looks up
I can’t do it in my PJs, I add
I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet
Shower takes 15 minutes to heat up
Turn it on

Hear screaming
Mom!! He took my favorite stuffed bunny!
You didn’t even like that animal yesterday
It’s my favorite!
Time out

Get off your phone! Stop texting your friends!!
But Mom, it’s important! She just called me!
You’ll see her in 20 minutes
Quick shower
Water still not hot
No time to wait for it
Now’s my moment
My face is broken out
Ran out of toner and moisturizer
Haven’t had time to reorder
Can’t find my tweezers
Eyebrow has errant hair on the far right of my eye
How did it even start growing there?
Is it even still called an eyebrow?

Dog barks
Dog barks
How do some moms work out in the mornings?!
Daddy answered!!
Great, honey
Can I go visit him?
Yes, now!
Before school?
Let me think about it
Don’t think, say yes

Control top J. Crew tights
Black skirt
Does this fit?
Where’s that sweater?!
Hoop earrings
Where’s my wallet?
Where’s MY phone?
Trying to dry my hair

Daughter in door
Mom, can you make me Cream of Wheat?
What?! Now? We spent an hour in the kitchen!
I wasn’t hungry then
You have to leave in 10 minutes
So there’s no time for Cream of Wheat

Putting on lipgloss
Grabbing purse
Brushing my hair
Brushing her hair
Braiding her hair


I only want a ponytail
Like Jojo Siwa!
No, that’s not high enough
Can’t I just do a braid?
You’re getting a braid
Okay, fine

Hey, flush the toilet!
Can’t find my purse
Jackets! Shoes!
I hate pants, he says
Check email
Crap, it was dress down day for the big one
Call him on his cell
Well, you should’ve remembered too.
Why didn’t you check email while I was home?
Because everyone screams at me not to be on my phone!!!!

Special snack day alert pops up
I don’t have anything special
Skinny Pop it is
Feed the dog
Finish loading the dishwasher

Running out
Calling Uber
I forgot to eat anything
Drink last sips of cold coffee
Hug my nanny when she walks in
Almost cry with relief
I’m walking out
Dog follows me, turning in circles, jumping up, barking
Someone grab the dog!
Be back soon to take the little guys to school!
Honey, do you have your leotard? Lunch? Snack?

Wait, I forgot my water bottle
Hold the elevator!
Let’s go!
Wait, my friend is calling me
Turn off your phone!
Little girl pops out front door
Wait, Mom, can I go see my daddy before school?!
I’ll text him from the car, sweetie
We’ll see
Don’t say we’ll see! I hate when you say we’ll see
I hate pants, little guy says again

Elevator beeps
Open too long
Come ON!!!!
Coming!!! Don’t yell!!
Bye guys! Back soon!
Bye, Mama
It’s 7:45 am

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