Days that start in the hard make me wish that we could just skip it all together. So when she declared that I needed to “start it over all the way back to the dark!” I understood why.
It’s just not that simple. I can’t put the sun back down, I can’t get dad home from work for a remix, and I can’t make the moon return. So then, Seeley and I had to sit in the space where I can’t meet her expectation.
I ended up asking her in a calm and very sincere way, “do you want me to lie to you?” She quickly gestured yes. So I did.
I left the room after tucking her warmly back into bed.
I walked back to my room, so she could hear my footsteps above her bedroom.
I got in and back out of bed. Every motion, a little exaggerated.
I quickly let the dog out, closing the door loudly so she might feel, hear or sense it happening.
Then as Eddie came bounding inside, we both took the turn to the basement. He ran in, as he does each morning, as if knowing it was a fresh start too.
She greeted him like a dream, popped right up and told me she wanted to get ready for school.
I asked if she would like me to drive her to the donut place before heading in to a day of fun and learning, she said yes. This was a relief, because if homegirl expected the bus, I knew it had already left.
So off we went and within 30 minutes of the ask for a lie, we were dressed, donuted and at school.
Then, I arrive home and realize I had just purchased a donut without a bra, and I was wearing slippers in public.
Whatevs. It’s a Thursday win, no less.
School has been hard, hard, hard and it has changed our dynamic at home.
The school, our care team, my husband and I all agree that she isn’t in the right school setting, and I am told the folks with the power to help are working on it.
In the meantime, we handle all the stuff that being in the wrong fit triggers.
Having bipolar2 with rapid cycling as a tiny seven year old, is tough stuff.
I am terrified, if I am honest with my logical brain, I know that she is entering a depression. Seeley manages rapid cycling, which means that each hour, she is pulled through huge feelings of jubilee and disparate moments of lost in the dark. In addition to her daily battle with the big feelings, she has overarching highs and lows.
To me it seems as though she can only return to the sad when the fun, thrilling and overexcited moments fade, when she is in a depression.
On the flip side, when she is in a trend of mania, she will return from hard moments, to a somewhat easy going, energetic and light Seeley.
Today, we chose a reset; a restart to the day and it worked. So even if I show up to the outside world without the proper undergarments and in house shoes, I am a mom doing her best, and clearly it’s working — just look at this girl ready for a Thursday.
Now I am off to call the folks with the power to help, but I am laced up tight and well supported, not just by the bra, but also because I am strong like Seeley. I know this girl is determined and powerful, she has learned that here, in my heart and our home, by example from her fierce mom.