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Challenge: Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Our Chronic Loss Story of Hope

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Two years after we were married with no positive pregnancy, we went to the doctor with no medical remedy or suggestion given other than less stress. The next few months after this, we had our first known miscarriage. This began over a decade of chronic miscarriages, numbering over 20. Doctors could never find a reason or a solution. We became numbed to the symptoms and the pain of constant loss.

Then our miracle happened. No treatment. No plan. I found out I was pregnant after my husband's very stressful motorcycle accident. In fact, I rode 45 minutes on a dirt road to secretly buy a pregnancy test. I couldn't believe the results, so I secretly bough a second test, which confirmed a positive result.

We had a huge scare at about 15 weeks, which showed that we lost one of the two babies, whom we named Joshua. Gratefully, our son was born by emergency C-section at 38 weeks. Thankfully he is very healthy and active.

As our son completed his 18th month of life, we got pregnant again! We were elated, thinking our infertility was a thing of the past. At about 13 weeks, I began bleeding. Unfortunate for our situation, we lived in a remote jungle town in Peru, and we didn't have any medical resources available. We lost our little girl Hope and buried her in a little marked grave on our property. We had miscarriages every other month for the next six months.

Honestly, I thought the loss would be different this time, since we had our miracle baby. But it wasn't, at all. In fact, it was harder. I see our son's need to have a playmate and his innate enjoyment of babies, and I feel very inadequate as a woman to give this to him. It put more pressure on us.

Since I got pregnant with our son, we have been very open about our miscarriage journey but that always hasn't been the case. I was very closed and quiet about it until I began writing the thesis for my masters degree, which I wrote on infertility and how to counsel couples going through this struggle. Since then, I have had the opportunity to speak on this subject on many occasions, both nationally and internationally and want to do my part to be there for these hurting individuals.

I am so grateful that you are recognizing this very extensive part of our community, as it represents a huge percentage of relationships. The grief is real and misunderstood and more resources need to be developed to help recognize options and possible solutions.


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