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Not Your Momma's Nursery Rhymes

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You just brought that sweet little baby home to the brand new, impeccably decorated, extremely sterile new nursery within your home. You sit down in your expensive, store bought rocking chair and you begin to read some nursery rhymes to your little angel.

Well…these are not those rhymes. These are the rhymes for you when you are going to lose your mind because your new little angel has had five poop explosions in less than an hour. Or, because between all three of your staggered-aged children, you cannot even use the bathroom in peace without hearing someone yell “Mommy."

These are the nursery rhymes for you to sing to yourself to keep you from checking yourself into an insane asylum. These are the nursery rhymes to make you laugh and get you through those stressful days.

ABC Song

A, B, C, mommy drink that wine, D, E, F, she’s doing just fine, H, I, J, Daddy likes beer, K, L, M, it makes him cheer, O, P, Q, who are you, R, S, T, will you drink with me, U V, this is how I be, W, X Y and Z, an alcoholic I may be.

Baa Baa Black Sheep

Baa Baa Mommy, have you any patience, No Sir, No, Sir, I have none left. None for you, none for your brother, none for your sister, not even for the other. Baa Baa Mommy, have you any patience, No, Sir, No Sir, I have none left.

A Tisket, A Tasket

A tisket, a tasket, if you ask me to borrow more money, your gonna put mommy in a casket.

Baby Bumble Bee

I’m bringing lots of shopping bags home with me, won’t my husband be so mad at me, I’m bringing home lots of shopping bags home with me, Ouch, his evil eyes got me.

I’m bringing home a chef and a maid with me, won’t my husband be so mad at me, I’m bringing home a chef and a maid with me, if I close my eye the laundry I won’t see.

I’m a Little Teapot

I’m a little wino yes I am, here is my bottle, here is my glass. When I get all stressed out hear me shout, pour me some wine please, so I don’t pout.

Itsy Bitsy Spider

The very tired Mommy went to take a nap, down came the kids a jumped on top her lap, out came grumpy mommy and scared the kids away and the very tired mommy went back down to lay.

Where is Thumbkin?

Where is Mommy, Where is Mommy, I’m not here, I’m not here. I’ve gone into hiding, I’ve gone into hiding, I’m not coming back, I’m not coming back.

Where is Daddy, Where is Daddy, he’s at the bar, he’s at the bar. He drinks because of us, he drinks because of us, He loves a cold brew, He loves a cold brew.

So there you go. That should be enough rhymes to get through for a bit — because for real, you don’t get more than five minutes to do anything anyway.

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