It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I'm ashamed to admit that this is how I feel somedays.
Don't get me wrong, I never expected parenthood to be easy, and I know we don't have it the hardest. But when I get the rare chance to reflect, I feel it.
The exhaustion of living at a heightened level.
My oldest was diagnosed with Autism at 4 years old.
There's always something in life with a child with autism. It may be a new behavior that has popped up or resurfaced, or a program that requires hours of paperwork, or never-ending appointments.
Then there is the constant watching and awareness of everything.
Where is he? What's around us? What could go wrong?
Very recently, my daughter was diagnosed with a rare blood disease. Like my son's autism, it was always there; we just didn't know it.
Suddenly, life is more fragile. She is more fragile.
Now, my attentiveness increases. The appointments double, maybe triple. I'll never be relaxed. We will get used to the rhythm of it all, but there will never be ease.
That's the thing about motherhood. It's there until the end, and I will worry for my children until my last breath.
I have always known that since the moment I decided to be a mom. I just underestimated the intensity with which it was handed to me.
My love for them is eternal and our life is beautiful.
Although, I wish we could escape the outside expectations, we need them. We need the help. We need the care.
One of my children needs more it to grow and learn, and the other needs constant caution it to stay healthy and safe. It's hard to describe the yearning for control over our lives as a family.
We have to let so many others in. It doesn't feel like it's just ours.
It wasn't supposed to be like this, but who can say what it should be? This is who we are. I'm trying to embrace it; these days I just can't seem to find the time.
Written by Jaime Ramos of Jaime Ramos Writes