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Challenge: Open Discussion

Let's Talk about Kids and Inclusion

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I know my fellow moms and dads will feel me when I say, it’s work to bring little kids to the park. It’s rarely the case that we are just sitting and relaxing, watching them from afar.

And it was during a recent (sweltering… hello Florida) playground morning that something happened that really got me thinking about kids and inclusion.

Call it helicopter parenting, or just the simple fact that I don’t want my 2-year-old face-planting into the mulch from the monkey bars, but I tend to be alert and pretty hands-on at the park. At this stage–with a 6-, 4- and 2-year-old–I kinda have to be.

So, the question.

How hard to we push our kids to always include everyone?

The scenario: My son and his friend, who arrived together, were playing. After they got going, running around, I noticed another boy around their age standing nearby who seemed to want to be included.

Let me be clear. My son and his friend were not excluding this boy in any way. They had been playing together when the boy approached, and it seemed to me that they didn’t notice him behind them.

So I told my son–loudly and from across the park–to include everyone when he’s playing. And he did. He and his friend made space for the boy to hop in on the carousel they were pushing, and all was fine.

Here’s the thing. I want to teach my kids to be aware of who is on the outside, either literally or figuratively. I want them to be the includers, the connectors. I want them to be okay with going out of their way to make someone else feel better.

So they did. And that lasted for a while.

Then, as kids tend to do, my son and his friend got distracted, and the boy went back to play with his own sibling.

But that didn’t stop me from going back to my son again–this time, more quietly–and asking him on two more occasions to approach the boy and ask him to play with them.

I didn’t notice the other boy showing any signs of his feelings being hurt, but I know personally the feeling of being excluded, and I don’t want any child–mine or another–to feel that way.

All that being said, it made me wonder: When is too much when it comes to forcing our kids to include everyone, all the time, no matter what?

If my son and his friend listened–which they did–by including the boy, why did I keep going back and insisting on him doing it again and again, even when everyone seemed perfectly happy? Was it just my problem?

And moreover, when does all this pestering on my part cross the line from being considerate of others, to being inconsiderate of what my own child wants to do?

When does all this pestering on my part cross the line from being considerate of others, to being inconsiderate of what my own child wants to do?

I’m certain I could find a thousand articles supporting each side–one saying to force your kids to include everyone, all the time, no matter what; and the other, saying that as long as your child is being kind, to respect his decision to choose his own company.

I’m not sure what’s right for everyone. But for my kids, for now, they will get three nudges to include everyone, no matter what, and then? Then they get to decide their own actions, and deal with their own consequences.

Now you tell me: Do you have any hard and fast rules when it comes to kids and inclusion? I’d love to hear how you approach this tricky situation.


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