I see you, Momma. I see you lying in your bed crying and holding your tummy. I hear your thoughts as you think about how many times you drank caffeine or took that medication. I hear you as you wonder if you shouldn’t have moved that heavy furniture or taken such a hot shower. That you shouldn’t have picked up your sons and wrestled with them. You didn’t cause this. I know you think you did, but you didn’t. I hear your heart anguish over the fact that you let your husband down. You didn’t do this. I hear you ask your doctor if it was something you did. You didn’t. I know your heart and I promise you didn’t cause this.
As I was lying in bed crying, after a long day of trying hard to put on a brave face, I heard one of my 5-year-old sons say, “Why is she sad?” and my other son say, “She’s sad because the babies not gonna come.” And my husband tell them to come give me hugs and kisses because “it's OK to be sad and OK to cry,” he told them.... I’ve spent five years trying to be brave and strong for my two little men, and in that crushing instant I knew I needed these three people more than they could possibly ever need me.
(OK, I’m sure that’s not true.) A family needs each other. To lean on, to celebrate with, to mourn with, to inspire and dream with. And although it was short, our family loved you. We celebrated and laughed, we dreamt of naming you, teaching you all the things, we mourned never meeting you and I know we will all inspire each other to keep going.
For a short time I was your Momma. You had a Daddy and two older brothers so excited to meet you. A room already being prepared and a car with third-row seating already in the plans. Your name has been picked out for so many years, just waiting to see if you would be a boy or a girl. Your grandparents all waiting to spoil you rotten.
To the baby we will never meet, you were loved beyond measure.
To the Momma just getting through it, this is not your fault. I hear you and I am here for you.
And to the family that supports each other, my family: You are my rock, my love, my inspiration, my dream. You are the exact three people that I was meant to have in my life and I am beyond thankful every day for each of you.
#Miscarriage #Infertility #youarenotalone
#meandallmyboys #support #unconditionallove