Just a few of the letters I wrote to our baby boy before he was even existent inside of me…
[May 29, 2018]
Dear Baby H,
I don't think I've ever seen your daddy as happy as he was this past weekend...not even on our wedding day. There are only two times I've ever seen him like this -- the first time I found out I was pregnant with your big sister, Ava, and the day that beautiful girl was born. And then this weekend happened...
Your Uncle Scotty married Auntie Amanda this weekend and it was one of the most fun weekends ever. We had your cousin Jude stay the weekend with us which made mommy pretty happy and it became clear that your sister Ava was ready for a little baby to be welcomed into our family. Just kidding -- she was terrible at sharing. She kept shaking her finger at Baby Jude saying "no no no" whenever he touched anything of hers. Literally anything at all -- the rug, a toy, mama's phone, everything. She said "no cry baby" during the car rides and refused to hold him for even one single photo but the second he went down for a nap, she'd say "Play with baby, play with baby." So I know she's going to love you more than the world...one day ;)
I've been begging your daddy to have a baby for months now. And over the past couple of weeks I even went into the bathroom to cry one night because I so longed for you and I knew I needed you. But daddy was not ready (yet) and it made me so sad. I knew you'd come eventually but figured it would be years down the road. And that crushed me.
And then this weekend happened...
We were dancing the night away, having a blast at Uncle Scotty's wedding and honestly, you were not even on my mind. Your daddy sat me down right there at the wedding and told me he wanted you. He wanted a baby. He wanted a baby now.
He was ready for you.
And at that moment, I was in shock. Was this a joke? Was this real life?
Yep, it was real life and over the rest of the weekend, I'm pretty sure your daddy spent more time on Google than he did doing anything else. He wanted to find out how soon he could bring you home. He was smiling from ear to hear and the joy that was flowing out of him was indescribable. It was incredible. And that, Baby H, is proof of how much your daddy loves you already.
As I am writing this, you don't even exist yet. But if your daddy could have you in his arms tomorrow, he would. We long for you and we love you already and you don't even exist yet. Isn't that crazy? It's crazy but oh so true. We may not have you in our arms for 10 months and we may not even have you in our arms for years but wherever you are and whenever you're ready to meet us, we're here longing for you, praying for you and loving on you, just waiting for the day when we can call you our own. We cannot wait for the day when our little family of four becomes a family of five. And you will be the perfect fifth addition.
We love you, Baby H, and we cannot wait to meet you one day.
Love, Your Mama
[May 31, 2018]
Dear Baby H,
Your daddy is so funny. Every morning I get a text asking if I feel sick yet, knowing very well that there would be no signs of you yet. But every single time he shows that excitement, my heart bursts. And I want you to know how much he loves you already.
Tomorrow is your daddy and my 5th anniversary. Believe me, we have been through highs and oh-so-many lows to get to where we are today and I am thanking God every day that we are now in a strong, loving marriage so that you can come into our lives. I wanted so badly to give daddy an anniversary gift of YOU so today, I took a pregnancy test, knowing very well it would come back negative.
And it did. Negative.
I knew 100% that that would be the result but my heart still sank a little inside because I'm just so longing for you. I want you in my life and I want you to come into existence. So while I know what the result will be, I'll most likely take another test tomorrow… just in case :) If there's any chance I can give your daddy the gift of knowing you for our anniversary tomorrow, it would mean the world to him so I'm gonna give it a try just in case.
I love you Baby H and I cannot wait until the day when I get to hear your heart beat for the first time.
Love, Your Mama
[June 4, 2018]
Dear Baby H,
This morning I found out that you're not yet in my belly and while I wasn't expecting you to get here this month, I still cried. I started convincing myself that there could be a chance, even though I knew there was no chance this month -- I had a headache one morning and thought it may be an early pregnancy symptom, my lower back hurt slightly one day and I had weird gurgles in my stomach another day, all things that could have been early pregnancy symptoms. I knew they weren't and I was prepared for this outcome but still, I cried this morning knowing I have to wait another month.
I keep reminding myself that God has a plan for you and for us and a month of waiting isn’t much. It will all come in the perfect time for all of us. And that moment WILL be perfect. But until then, I will be here patiently waiting until we get that great news.
I love you with all of my heart, Baby H. Please come soon!
[June 19, 2018]
Dear Baby H,
This waiting game is rough. Like really rough. Waiting to find out if you're growing inside of me is the longest waiting game I've ever experienced -- I can't get any work done and the days are incredibly long. But we've got 9 more days until I find out and on the 9th day I am hoping it will be one of the best days of my life. I'm here waiting, wishing and praying for you and I cannot wait to find out what the future holds for you and for us.
I love you, Baby H,
[June 25, 2018]
Today is the day my dreams came true. Your daddy left for work at 6am this morning and I immediately jumped out of bed to take a pregnancy test. I honestly wasn't expecting anything because I've not had a single symptom. But I've been taking pregnancy tests for the past 5 days just in case (and because I couldn't wait another week). I took the test, washed my face and looked up and on that little white stick was the word, "YES +" I could not believe my eyes and of course, started crying out of excitement and just pure happiness. I took two more tests today just to confirm and yep, you're inside of me Baby H.
My dreams have come true.
I just really didn't expect them to come true this quickly.
I told your big sister Ava that I had a baby inside of me and she gave me a blank stare of confusion and went back to watching Paw Patrol. And I told your big brother Baxter and he, too, gave me a blank stare (typical). Ava and I then headed to Target to get her a "big sister" tee and your first onesie that says "Hello world!" and now we wait. This is the longest day ever waiting for your daddy to come home and he just told me he would be home late tonight…ugh! But the wait will be well worth it and I cannot wait to tell him that he is going to be a daddy again. He's going to fall in love with you immediately.
I already set our first appointment to see you on July 31st when you will be 8 weeks old. We will get to see your heartbeat and YOU for the first time and I cannot wait for that. I'm already getting butterflies just thinking of that moment.
Don't you worry - I'll be logging all of the progress you're making along the way, in typical mommy blogger fashion but for now, I just want you to know how much I love you already. You, your big sister and your big brother are our whole world.
I love you Baby H — to the moon and back a million and 34 times.