“You’re f***ing miserable all the time.” The words someone told me when I was neck deep in my postpartum struggles. Words that weren’t supportive. Words that just made feel worse about how I was already feeling.
If you would have told me that just weeks after my babies were born I would experience postpartum depression I wouldn’t have believed you. I waited years to finally become a Mom, I didn’t think the “baby blues” would even be in my vocabulary. The truth is the postpartum blues, exhaustion, and the lack of confidence as a Mother can sneak into your life overnight and it is paralyzing. The fear of failing my kids, not knowing their needs, and the pure exhaustion through me into a battle with anxiety and depression.
The triplets had GERD and needed individual attention during feedings. I quickly became overwhelmed with being a Mother. Breastfeeding didn’t help. My body became strictly a funnel for milk. There was no connection, no bond, just pumping and milk. I often wondered how God thought I could be a Mother to triplets. I was failing them and myself. Comments like “I guess you prayed a little too hard” weren’t supportive or helpful either.
Three months into my postpartum I finally saw a Doctor. I knew I needed help. The bright, outgoing, confident me was gone. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and disappointed.
There are many things we thrive for as a Mom, but honestly, we just need to survive. I did what I needed to to get though my postpartum journey. This meant admitting I was struggling, seeing a doctor, and going on meds. It meant getting help with overnights and hiring a Mommy Helper. It meant throwing my pride out the window and saying “I cannot do this mom thing alone.” Little did I know it would take a full year before I could feel more like the me I once was. But truthfully, I will never be her again. I’m a better me. Being a Mother has brought on an anxiety that I have struggled with on and off since their birth. But here I am, nearly 3 years later, and I am surviving. I know how to help myself when the anxiety kicks in. I know the value of leaning on others. I know I can’t do this without Jesus. And I am a damn good Mom. #confessionsoftheanxiousmama
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