There is nothing I love more than kicking another mom when she's down. It's so fun. It makes me feel so much better about myself. I just love letting the world know how superior I am to everyone else. While sitting at home alone. Basking in the warm glow of my computer screen. It's called keyboard courage. And apparently, it's highly contagious.

When a first time mom writes a frantic post on The Book asking a question like only a first-timer can, I can't type fast enough. I like to let her know that I have four kids. Set the precedent. I know everything. And you are dumb for asking your dumb question. Dummy. The gratification I get from attacking a newbie.

While I'm hiding behind my keyboard.

To the mom that fell for a scam. I can't wait to tell you what a fool you are. Why would you fall for that? I would never give money to someone I didn't know in return for promised goods. But that's because I'm so much freaking smarter than you. Than everyone.

While I'm hiding behind my keyboard.

Word.

To the mom who almost had her hand bitten off by a coyote because she thought it was a dog. How did you not know the difference? Everyone knows what the ears of a coyote look like. You should really get your eyes checked. Duh. And I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I can only assume you're a blonde. I can't wait to tell you that you deserve to have your head bitten off by that crazed animal. And no one would even miss you.

While I'm hiding behind my keyboard.

To the mom that inquires about getting rid of cable. Yeah I did that like three months ago. And I've saved like three grand already. I can't believe you're still paying for cable. It's like using cash to wipe your own ass. And Roku is so easy to use. Well easy for someone like me. Maybe not for someone like you. I can't wait to suggest you use the money you save on cable to buy some brains.

While I'm hiding behind my keyboard.

To the mom who doesn't know tomorrow is hot lunch day at your child's school. What the F kind of mother are you? Didn't you print a copy of the calendar and hang it up? Don't you read the news letter the principal sends home? I can't wait to tell you you're not a mom. You're a disgrace.

While I'm hiding behind my keyboard.

To the stay-at-home mom who has a hard time keeping her house clean. You are lazy. Obvi you do nothing all day. I only like to pour in the salt when the wound is already open. I can't wait to tell you you need to get off your ass and get a real job.

While I'm hiding behind my keyboard.

To the working mom who has a nanny. And a cleaning lady. Must be nice to be you. You don't have to do a damn thing. You're not even a real mom. Someone else is raising those kids. They probably love her more than they love you. I can't wait to tell you how selfish you are for having a career and providing for your family.

While I'm hiding behind my keyboard.

It's like my hands are claws and by typing I'm reaching through the computer screen and attacking you. I'm ripping you to pieces. Like only I can. If I saw you in public I would smile and be so kind. But not from here. Not from the safety of my keyboard.

I'm so courageous behind these keys. I will call you out on your stupidity. But face to face I would never. I would make a mental note of your dumbassedness (I can make up new words because I'm so smart) and tell all of my friends about you later. But to your face I will smile as I judge you in my head. Until I'm back in the safety and open arms of my all knowing keyboard. I've never felt so alive.

It's really hard being such a know-it-all. I feel so sorry for other moms that aren't as brilliant as me. It must be hard going through life that way. Not that I would know. These moms are just lucky to have me here to point out all of this ridiculousness.

While I'm hiding behind my keyboard.