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Challenge: Perfectly Imperfect Parenting

He was Always Him

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January 16, 2017

It’s been 4 years since my son Stalen was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. He was 21 months old. I remember he was wild in the room as we waited for the doctor to come in and speak with us. He was throwing toys and picking crumbs from the carpet. He was pulling single plastic gloves from a box hanging on the wall. I was trying to hold myself together with strict composure but could feel the lump in my throat and the anxiety deep in the pit of my stomach.

I had to sign a confirmation of diagnosis form which is forwarded on for services. My hand trembled as I wrote my name. I was so shook I didn’t even date the form like your supposed to. I took Stalen and high tailed it out of there.

I couldn’t wait for the solace of my vehicle. I remember the strong smell of the mans cologne in the elevator. I was close to breaking. I remember fumbling through my purse for change for the parking pay Center. Ugh! Why do I always carry so much unnecessary crap in my purse?!?!

Finally in the car, I grabbed my sunglasses even though it was a chilly day in January. I wanted to conceal the tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. I looked in my rear view mirror and there he was…my sweet baby. My whole world, in his own world. He was smiling, and staring off out the window. Oblivious to it all.

I took 3 exhilarating deep breaths. I felt them in my toes. Those minutes in that doctors office had completely drained me to my core, I was attempting to refill my tank.

I had known for a couple of months without a doubt that he was autistic.

But, I had known forever that he was amazing.

In that moment, things were different but really the same. I was still me and he was always him. There was no more wondering, it was confirmed. We were going to get the supports and services we so desperately needed.

He was my little boy to love and nurture and teach things to. I knew he would do it all, but he would just do it in a different way-his way, in a different time and space.

I didn’t know much about autism.

I didn’t know what the future would look like.

I didn’t have all the answers but hoped for clarity over time.

I was completely certain of only one thing…on that day, January 16, 2017, I knew him just like I had from the very moment he took his first breath into the world at 12:11pm on April 12,2015.

I knew he needed me and I knew I needed him and that was enough for me to start the car and take us home.

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