I wanted to like her so much.
She’s beautiful. She seems friendly enough and the times I was around her, she was generous with her time and resources. A lot of people liked her. I guess in the adult world she’d mirror one of the popular girls from High School – head cheerleader and all that, with a bag of chips.
But I didn’t.
I tried so hard until I was tired of trying. There was just…something that made me uncomfortable when I was around her. My insides – all the way down into my soul, just quivered when I was near her. I’d politely talk with her in the social gatherings, I’d help on the project, I’d serve when asked, but I swear there was something about her that made me feel…I don’t know. Weird.
Maybe it was the way she looked at me. Maybe it was that she made a show of what she’d contributed. Maybe, from my view, it seemed like she buttered the coach to give her son more time on the field. Maybe it was the way she said, “We’re all mothers and we’re all doing the best we can” as she patted my knee with her hand and then blinked her black, stubby eyelashes at me like stiff, plastic spiders.
(Excuse me, I'm being petty.)
I don’t know. I'm sorry. Her words seemed compassionate, but her tone was…just, off.
Maybe it was me. It's probably me. This is my issue. Maybe I’m the one to blame. Maybe I built her up to be some monster she isn't. I'm being unfair. Maybe my ears wanted to hear negativity, instead of all the positive things she said. Maybe MY eyes were narrowed and didn’t want to see the good she did. Maybe I was jealous. Maybe ALL OF IT was my problem and not hers at all.
Either way. I wanted to like her so much.
So very much. She just seemed cool.
But sometimes, just as the heart wants what it wants, the soul shields itself from what it doesn’t.
Sometimes, there’s absolutely no explanation why there’s just not a good fit between two people.
But my soul feels at rest when I’m with my tribe of friends.
And she probably feels the same about hers.
And it’s OKAY, if we don’t, together.
Trust your gut.
Always, always, always be polite.
My soul sees yours and it's OKAY if it's across the room.