Last Monday, I headed to a doctor's appointment, excited to come home, jump on the interwebs and excitedly announce our pregnancy with our fourth child.
But that didn't happen.
Just few weeks ago, we discovered we were pregnant. After our initial shock, confusion and terror at the idea of four kiddos ruling the house, we settled into nervous excitement and anticipation of another baby. We started prepping ourselves for the plan God had suddenly laid out.
Would this be another girl to add to our mini-sorority house? Or - gasp! - what about a boy to polish off our family? What are names we haven't already used? And Lord, have mercy, what if it is twins???
But sometimes these plans, even God's plans, are rocked off the tracks we saw them headed down. Sometimes it's a slow and gradual rock and others it's a quick jerk, a shake, a hard jolt onto an entirely different set of tracks.
We were jerked onto one set of tracks just a few weeks ago, had settled into the rhythm, and then jolted hard back onto another. This emotional roller coaster is the ride I wasn't ready for. Jesus knew it was coming, but I sure didn't.
At my 10 week appointment, there was no longer a heartbeat.
It's sad. I've cried my share of tears.
It hurts. I've been laying in physical pain for a few days.
It's confusing. I've wondered why and how it happened this way.
But I'm at peace.
I can't tell you if it's partly because I am already blessed with three beautiful children.
I can't tell you if it's partly because this child wasn't "planned" from our end.
And I definitely can't tell you if it's partly because I've become numb over the past few days due to the extreme ride of emotions.
But I can tell you it's mainly because of Jesus.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. (John 14:27)
A huge confession. I feel like I've had a relatively "easy" life.
Sure, I've gone through some real crap and major disappointments in my life ... uprooting and moving throughout my childhood never settling into a "home," rejection in potential jobs and relationships, my parents' divorce, miscarriages, issues with my dad's alcoholic wife, an estranged brother, mental health issues with family and friends ...
Don't get me wrong, none of these situations are pleasant or anywhere near easy, but I feel blessed in the grand scheme of things ... to never have had major health issues, wondering if my life or even someone's close to me would be taken, never felt the weight of oppression due to my gender or the color of my skin, never been truly scared for my life, never been down a black hole of drug abuse, never wondered how myself or my family are going to eat the following day ...
I have a beautiful home, amazing and healthy children, a loving husband, friends who would do anything for me, an education I'm proud of and my husband and I get to work in fields that fill us up and not drain us.
So, yes, sometimes I feel it's easy for me to say, "I trust God."
Because, in the grand scheme of the crap this world offers, I've had a decent life.
But one thing I know that I know that I know is I wouldn't be able to handle any of this crap or feel peaceful if it wasn't for my faith.
Now faith is the assurance of what we hope for and the certainty of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1, emphasis mine)
Christians are always saying stuff like this, aren't they? I mean, I'm always saying stuff like this. It's easy to say, since the Bible says it, right?
"Have faith" .... "Trust" .... "Believe" ....
I can throw out a bible verse or six, call it a day and move on. But what about truly believing it? What about when we don't feel like having faith? Or don't feel that God is faithful?
What if we don't feel an assurance of what we've hoped and don't feel certain of what we can't see like Hebrews 11:1 tells us.
This is where I've learned to hit the pavement running in my walk with God. Because of one fact.
Faith isn't a feeling. It's an action.
I think that's why they call it "walking in faith."
I will consciously choose to take another step in my walk of faith.
I choose not to depend on myself, choose to reach out to God, choose to check myself next to His Word, choose to run away from evil, choose to listen for the Holy Spirit and choose to rest knowing His love for me.
Even when I don't feel like it. Even when it hurts. Even when ... even when ... even when ....
I don't know what crap or sucky thing you are going through right now, but I hope you'll choose, even when you don't feel like it, to believe this verse.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28, emphasis mine)
My two follow-up doctor appointments didn't go as I'd hoped, so I have a little more physical suck to go through with this miscarriage, but I know it's going to be okay.
I choose to believe where God has me (and wherever He may have you) is not where He plans for me (& you) to stay.