Miscarriages are surprisingly common but knowing that doesn’t make them any less painful.
My ectopic pregnancy taught me that despite being destined to fail because my fallopian tube cannot sustain the growth of a fetus, the pain of loss is still real and raw. Despite the pregnancy posing a risk to my own life if my tube ruptured, l still wanted so badly for my child to survive.
The inability to control my own body was anxiety-inducing. The feelings of hope and opportunity immediately countered by anguish and grief put my body and mind through a level of torment I wasn't sure existed. I didn’t tell anyone about the baby except my husband, which left me feeling alone in my pain. If I had announced the pregnancy so soon, I imagine feeling even more pain in announcing the loss. I could enumerate the many horrific ways miscarriage impacts a woman’s mind and heart, but I won’t. Instead I’d rather focus on the grace within the struggle.
What helped me most in my torment was the knowledge that, despite a short life, the child growing inside me knew only love and peace. In a world filled with chaos and injustice, where so many living don't experience the love that my baby knew in such a short time, that thought comforted me. When I recognized that all the nourishment my body provided and all the love my heart gave were my best, the furthest extent of my control, I found peace. When I accepted that part of the beauty of this trial was a sharing in a rather large community of women who have mourned and suffered, I found support.
Loss in this life is inevitable and the loss of a child at any stage of their development is agony. In our grief, it is so important to remember that we did everything we could. We are still enough. We don't have to forget what we lost even though the rest of the world may have forgotten. We were, are, and always will be a mother.