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The letter I hope my child sends me in the future

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As my soon-to-be tween son was rolling his eyes and yelling at me today over how unfair I am to him, I couldn't help but think of all the times he's said this type of thing to me and how, someday, hopefully he'll thank me for these pearls of wisdom I've passed on to him (yeah, right).

While I was visiting this fantasy world, I started daydreaming about a letter my future, adult child might send me someday and here's what it looks like (I had to keep some realness to it because even I know some things will just never change):


Hey mom,

I’ve been meaning to write you 4 a while and tell you a few things. So, I figured now was a good time. I guess you could call it “life lessons”, or something cheesy like that, but I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all those times I told you I was going to a friends house while you were talking on the phone and took you waving me away as a “Yes”, then sending you into a panic when you later had no idea where I went. Yeah, sorry for that.

I’m sorry for always thinking you were trying to make me suffer more when you told me I had to separate the dark laundry from the light. Yeah, I learned why in college when everything came out pink. Not a good look for me.

Speaking of a good look for me, I also finally realized that it’s not good hygiene to wear the same socks and underwear for a week straight. I guess there’s probably no need to explain that one.

Oh yeah, and the whole eye roll thing I did whenever you told me to pick up my stuff or put my plates in the sink…I realized my wife doesn’t like it very much when I do that either.

And the whole, “stop-kissing-me-in-public-you’re-embarrassing-me” thing. Yeah, well, that’s still true. So could you kind of tone it down a bit next time we visit?

Anyway, I should probably go to bed now. It’s like 9 o’clock and I’m exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Did you know that newborns wake up like every two hours to eat for the first few months of their lives? Whoever came up with the whole “sleeping like a baby” thing must not have ever actually had kids.

Come to think of it, they should have said that they slept like a teenager because that’s legit. I can’t believe I used to sleep in until noon all the time! Why did you ever let me do that?

Okay, I’m off. Love ya, mom.

Happy Mothers Day! (LOL)

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