In loving memory of June Corley Jessee. Our angel here on earth died six years ago today. The weeks leading up to this day each year are always a time of reflection for me, and I’ve been illuminating some of those moments on social media. Today, on the anniversary of her death,I want to share a message from my journal from almost a year after she died. Many of the sentiments remain the same, but of course not as raw as it was the year after. The unconcealed intensity is why I treasure my journals so much, and why I force myself to write even on days when it is tough. For me, it helps to remember the feelings because I can easily forget, and I find that I learn something new about myself with some distance from the moment.
*Journal Entry from 1/30/2017*
You’ve physically been gone for almost a year now. Reliving these last 2 weeks has been difficult for me and, at times, unbearable. The only way I’ve gotten through it is because you’ve been with me. Sometimes I think you have always been with me. That you were my guardian angel, and you and God decided I needed to meet you, so I birthed you. Maybe my whole life was setting myself up to be your mom. You changed the world around you so much in just 1,300 days. Everyone you met was changed for the better - if they allowed themselves to be open to your power. I don’t know why you all chose me because I certainly was not worthy - I’m a sinner and full of faults. But I’m so glad you did. You saved my life. How Ironic because I spent all of yours trying to save yours. Little did I know you were saving me.
Your dad and I are trying for another baby. I will be so blessed no matter what we have, but I’m leaning towards a little girl. Not that I have a choice in the matter. No one could ever replace you. But I think I could find healing watching a little girl with similar DNA as you grow up. It has been such a gift that George is starting to look like you. You are in George, I know it. Just now, I went in to check on him in his crib, and I thought it was you at first.
There could be a little baby with cells dividing right now inside of me. Your little sibling. I know you’ve been spending time with that little soul before it's been sent to us. I hope you are proud of me, Miss June. I do my best to make you proud. I’m certainly not perfect and make mistakes, but I hope overall you are pleased with how we are doing. I hope heaven is fun, and there are other little souls to play with. I remember when Bebe said she’d catch you on the transition when I was pregnant with you, and she was dying. I hope she caught you as soon as you got to heaven. I hope Gigi and Grandma June are taking very good care of you.
I’m so scared I’m going to forget the small things with you, Miss Junebug. I think that’s why I’m holding on so tight to your memory and so many medical-related things. Who am I if I’m not your mom? But I am always your mom - I guess. Who am I if I am not a medically complex mom?
Well, my sweet angel, I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. I am grateful for pictures and videos so I can see that smile and hear your laugh. I take comfort knowing you feel zero pain when the pain had gotten so terribly unbearable. Look out for Mya Kertz - I’m hoping you connected already :) Continue to keep an eye out for us and this new baby (fingers crossed). I love you so much, my sweet angel. Thanks for the chat.