Isn't it an amazing experience to see your little babies personality start to emerge? What complex beautiful little souls they have. Those first steps... those first words... they are pure magic. Those tiny little personalities get real big real fast, though. And before you know it your home has become 'Toddler Town.' In order to successfully 'parent on the go' (i.e. survive) Toddler Town, you must understand some key points.
- Toddler Town is a dictatorship.
- Your toddler is the dictator.
At first, your dictator might seem ‘cute,’ but rest assured that if you violate the laws of Toddler Town, your dictator will become a tyrant. Like any dictatorship, the laws of the land are subject to the dictator's will. They can, and will, be changed without notice. In response to this 'Parenting On The Go' challenge, the dictators of St. Louis recently sent out this decree to help clarify their expectations...
St. Louis Toddler Town Dictator Decrees:
- All food must be served on a cracker.
- I will open the container of yogurt and I will put the candy on the yogurt. If YOU open the yogurt or touch the candy you will have to buy a new yogurt and bag of candy.
- You will prepare my breakfast the night before and have it waiting for me the moment I wake up. *Failure will result in death by whining*
- Your plate of food is also my plate of food. But MY plate of food is not your plate of food.
- Even if I have a plate of my own. Even if the EXACT same food is on both plates. Sometimes you might have to put your food on daddy's plate and then feed me off of daddy's plate.
- All food is my food.
- You may starve.
- Peas must be frozen, not warmed.
- You will not potty privately. I will supervise all bathroom trips. Any attempt to potty privately may result in the door being kicked down.
- If you leave the diaper bag at home, I will mess my pants. Every. Single. Time.
- In order to use the toilet you must hug me with both arms wrapped totally around my waist.
- On some days I will need to carry around an open umbrella ALL DAY LONG. Regardless of whether or not it's raining.
- When you serve me breakfast I will ask for a cupcake.
- You must bow when you speak to me.
- My Popsicle must be cut up, placed into a bowl, and then covered with water. I must have the Popsicle stick so I can stir my Popsicle 'soup.'
- Before you cut my PB&J sandwich, you must ask me how many pieces I want it cut into.
- If another dictator has treats and I don't (or they have yummier treats) I will embarrass you in front of the other subjects at the playground by acting like I'm starving and mooch treats off of my fellow dictators.
- You will re-read the same book (with sound effects) as many times as I see fit.
- Everyday I will ask you if I can poop naked in the backyard. Everyday. It's the only way to prevent my poopy from going to the 'dark scary place.'
- You will sit where I tell you to sit.
- I must have a dipping sauce for every food I eat.
- Bedtime will start with reading books, then sing to me 'You Are My Sunshine,' followed by 'Rock-a-bye Baby.'
- I must have fresh ice water next to my bed every night and require at least three binkies when I get into bed.
- The bird feeder must be filled so I can watch the birds while I eat. I will yell at the 'wood-peck-ters' to eat as I dine.
- Go get me pink flowers, a pool, a slip and slide, a mermaid tail, and a unicorn.
- Bedtime must be the same routine every night. Mommy will give me a bath, we will say our prayers, and then mommy will sing to me. Tonight she will sing 'Uptown Funk.'
- You must not call 'dinner' dinner. You must call it lunch.
- I will not ride in my stroller. Instead I will push my empty stroller. Don't help me push it. Don't help me steer it. Don't. Touch. It.
- I will only sleep with the second tube of Thomas the Tank Engine toothpaste you bought. I know the difference between the two tubes. Don't test me.
- I demand to sleep in socks.
- Girls are to be called 'sirs' and boys are 'ma'am s'. Get it right.
- I must have ketchup with my strawberries.
- I will turn on the lights in every room I enter. If the light is already on... I will turn it off and back on.
- I must sleep with the red spatula.
- Every morning I will throw my stuffed monkey, 2 dinosaurs, and giraffe down the stairs. They will spend the day on the front bench. At bedtime I will carry them upstairs.
- Blankets must cover my feet.
- Rub your nose on my ear when I go to bed.
- I will only sleep on top of my blankies. All four of them.
- Mother will hold my feet when I poop. She must hold them in the exact same way every time. There will be no substituting. Only mom can hold my feet.
- You must call pears 'apples.'
- I must have 3 ice cubes in my water bottle before bed. I must lick each cube before it goes in the bottle (to make sure it's cold).
- I will only eat my cereal after mom stirs it three times and then chops down the sides. Only mom can prepare the cereal.
- I AM the little mermaid and therefore must have an adult fork at every meal to use as my 'dinglehopper.'
- I must always have a tube of 'hanitizer.' It must not be called hand sanitizer. It is HANITIZER. And its MINE.
- I must have two sippy cups at all times. One with milk and one with water. I may not drink them, but I must have them.
We Dictators feel this is fairly simple and clear-cut.
Now stop what you're doing and come wipe my butt.
-your darling child.
So fellow parents... God's mercy and Godspeed to us all.
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