As mothers, we forget our babies were ever this small.
I remember this moment.
8 years ago.
That whole year was a blur.
But I do remember this moment.
Quietly in a sanctuary sitting with my infant 3 month old twin sons sleeping soundly. They didn’t do that often.
I look at my calm smile in this picture and I can remember the feeling in my gut, deep in my soul as though it was yesterday.
I remember worrying for weeks that my boys would scream and cry or throw up all over themselves and ruin my brother and sister in law’s beautiful wedding as they were being wheeled down the aisle.
I remember being 3 months postpartum after twins, so sleep deprived and scatterbrained, and my anxiety over having to fit into a bridesmaid dress in this new body.
I was still breastfeeding/pumping at this point. I remember panicking over my unrealistic organized timeline of a schedule and trying to plan out the day to the minute to give myself time to pump every hour and a half amidst the festivities. Not to mention discretely fitting pads under the dress, heaven forbid I leak all over myself during the ceremony.
I remember packing the diaper bag with 8,467 unnecessary ‘just in case’ items because I was nervous about keeping them out so late and messing up their schedule.
I remember quietly crying while doing my hair and makeup because I used to love to do hair and makeup but I couldn’t remember who I was before having the boys and nothing made me feel pretty.
I remember all these emotions.
All the new mom anxiety.
I still had no idea what I was doing and this was our first big event out as a family.
But you know what I remember most about this moment looking back at it now?
I remember the calm.
I remember that smile.
I remember the pride watching our babies as ring bearers.
Seeing my husband across the room as a groomsman.
I remember my brother in his tux in awe of his new bride and my sister in law in her gorgeous dress.
I remember their perfect day.
I say all that to say this.
Do I remember the mess of emotions I was after having my first babies? Sure. I was a hot mess. But I learned. Because that’s what we do, we learn.
Becoming a mom is scary.
They don’t send the nurses home with you to help.
They trust you with these small people.
Now I sit here as a seasoned 35 year old mom of 3 boys, 8 years later, and I can look at a photo like this and appreciate it for what it is.
A new mom trying to navigate her way. Knowing she will make it out on the other side.
Able to breathe.
New moms: you got this .
Let yourself feel all the emotions.
Let yourself cry.
Let yourself laugh.
You’re doing great.
You’re exactly what your baby(ies) need.
You are enough.
You are love.
Love & Hugs,
Nicki -Momming all the Boys