Oh, spray tans. I do love you. When I am starting to look like Casper, you can make me look like I took an overnight trip to Barbados.
Yes, you smell horrible and make my sheets orange, but you make me feel so much better about life. Everyone looks better with a tan, right?
So let’s flash back to approximately four and a half years ago. I had just had a nine pound, two ounce baby boy cut out of my uterus. The doctors stitched me up and sent me on my way.
I did not realize that when you leave the hospital, you still look pregnant. So all of you that are about to have a kid for the first time, don’t act surprised that you don’t immediately have a flat stomach post-birth. I was personally extremely disappointed.
But moving on, I did start my journey of being a mom nursing my now four-year old Henry. He liked to cluster feed, so I spent the majority of my time with a baby attached to my boob.
One of my best friends was about to get married and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. The bad news is that the wedding was only three weeks after I gave birth. I had ordered my bridesmaid dress when I was about six months pregnant so needless to say, it was going to need some major alterations.
Disclaimer: My friend did give me the option of not being a bridesmaid if I was uncomfortable with it at the time, but I loved, and still love, her and her husband so much that I wouldn’t miss being in her wedding for the world.
As we got closer to the wedding, approximately 4-5 days, I realized that I needed to get my shit together if I didn’t want to look like a hot mess at the altar.
My dress had been altered, thank goodness, and I had bought a pair of the largest Spanx imaginable. I feel like they could make an elephant appear to be a swan. At least that is how I saw it in my head.
So I decided that I needed a tan to go with my new sort-of skinny completely fake sucked-in figure.
I tried laying out but you just can’t take a two week old outside in the middle of July and lounge next to a baby pool in the 100 degree heat. So I opted for the spray tan.
I dropped the baby off with my mom for approximately one hour, because I couldn’t really be away from him for longer than that without him getting hungry.
I headed to the local Sun Tan City and bought a spray tan that I remember thinking was far too expensive. I slathered on that stinky lotion/tan extender nonsense they talked me into buying and headed into the booth.
This is where I made my first mistake. I decided to go topless. Enough said.
I pressed the button and started my first pass while doing the funky spray tan dance. This is when something awful happened.
I hadn’t nursed my son in an hour and I started leaking. Like really bad leaking. Milk was practically squirting onto the sides of the booth. I freaked out. I didn’t know what to do! I couldn’t pull a Ross Gellar. I couldn’t wipe it off with my hands. Then I would be streaky.
Like a mom that hadn’t had any sleep in two weeks, I just let it stream down my chest, stomach, and then it moved down to my legs. I stared in horror.
When my four pass session ended, I stepped out of the booth. I looked in the mirror and there were huge streaks running down my body. High on hormones, I burst into tears, making it also streak down my face and neck.
I got dressed and went to get my baby boy from my mom, knowing he would be hungry.
The moment he saw me, he wanted to eat. My first instinct was to feed him. My boobs had leaked so much that I didn’t have any spray tan left on them anyway.
I went home and carried on with my life. I woke up the next morning, or after maybe an hour nap, that time in my life was a huge blur, and cried at the sight of all the streaks running down my face and body. I resembled an orange and white striped tiger.
But the worst part was when I went to get the baby out of his Rock-N-Play. He had an orange ring around his mouth. It looked like he had been binge eating Cheetos all night long.
That sent me into another fit of hormonal rage. Not only did I ruin a spray tan that was far too expensive with my breast milk, but I also fed it to my child and turned his mouth orange.
Looking back, this story is absolutely hilarious. No harm was done to my child so step back Mommy Shamers. My only regret is that I didn’t take a picture.
Luckily, I had a couple days to scrub my worst streaks away and the orange ring on my child’s mouth was gone by the wedding. It was an absolutely beautiful wedding and I am so honored that I got to be a part of it.
So my word to all moms – don’t breastfeed your baby after a spray tan. That’s all.
Until Next Time,