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Challenge: Pregnancy and Infant Loss

My Fourth Son

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It was a Monday morning. My sons were in school. I was 37 weeks pregnant and I went to my OB for a routine sonogram. my husband usually came with me to my appointments but something came up at work so I was alone for this one. I was on the phone in a taxi on my way to the doctor’s office and I told my friend that I really thought this cloud be it. I had felt the baby drop over the weekend and was experiencing pressure so I thought there was a good chance the doctor would tell me it was time to deliver my beautiful baby. The sonogram room was tiny and my favorite Nurse was performing the sonogram. We made small talk about our weekends. All of a sudden favorite nurse stopped what she was doing, said the doctor wanted to see something and she ran out of the room. I waited alone for what felt like eternity. Why did she run out? What was going on? I started to get nervous. Best OB walked into the room and I started screaming what is going on? There was no heartbeat he said. The same questions were repeated Oliver and over. When had I felt his last movement. When and how did I feel his last movement. I didn’t know. What I did know was that I was in shock. What I also Knew was that when I Was swimming Over the weekend with my children that I had a sharp pain and felt a drop towards my pelvis. Pressure on the pelvis. I figured That’s what the doctor must mean when he says the baby dropped and is getting into ready position for the delivery. My brain could not entertain any other explanation.

My husband was called and came over to pick me up. Best doctor told us to go home and let the news sink in. We were told to make arrangements for the baby’s body and to tell our children. I was to meet best OB St the hospital early the next morning. My shattered heart broke into a million little pieces as we told our children their baby brother had died. We didn’t know why.

Being on the labor and delivery floor with the sounds of crying babies as I waited to deliver my dead son was like a a non stop series of stomach punches the kind that takes your breath away.

After I delivered Rex, I spent the day in the delivery room with my baby. I got to hold him and rock him, singing all the lullabies I sang for his brothers. I told Rex all about his big family who was so excited to meet him. I of course had bonded with and fallen in love with baby Rex months ago perhaps the second I found out I was pregnant.

I had felt so helpless to protect my child I had to help other women and families get through what we endured. We were treated with dignity and compassion. We were comforted and embraced by our medical staff our family and friends. I started a perinatal bereavement fund in My sons honor to support a full time social worker to help families like ours through these difficult times. A library with helpful literature on grief of this kind as well as bereavement groups were created.

I was broken but I got back up and fought hard. I had a baby girl three years later. I had five children but one is in the stands. I am so grateful for my beautiful children.

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