Sometimes we have to hold on and give ourselves permission to feel it all.
And today was one of those days...
Today, I heard the voice of my sweet girl say the words, “Mom, I made my decision.”
Is it possible the butterflies I felt on her first day of Kindergarten, as she stood in my kitchen, sucking her thumb, wearing her polka dot pink dress, so quickly came flooding back in full force?
Is it possible to feel a deep ache and extreme joy at the same time, as my first baby, pressed the accept button, finalizing the decision for the university she will call home in the Fall?
Well, my heart is aching a bit, for what will change and how time wasn’t as slow as I hoped, but to be honest, the butterflies in my stomach have not stopped fluttering all day and I’m embracing it.
Flutter... a peace that touches every ounce of my core, in a fast yet gentle way, reminding me of the first flutters I felt while newly pregnant.
Flutter... excitement for what is to come on her beautiful journey and the lives she will touch with her compassionate heart.
Flutter... a pang of guilt for some of the times we didn’t get along or argued over the small stuff.
Flutter... my filter wasn’t secured on tight enough during an argument...flutter, flutter.
Flutter...our home will be quieter,
the laundry lighter and
the table set for five, not six...rapid flutter.
Flutter...her room will be silent,
the shades will not be drawn each night while stars shine brightly on the ceiling and
Piggy will not be propped up on the pillows, resting his pinkish gray body.
Flutter... our home will miss her smile,
the car will be in the garage until another new driver moves up the ranks and
my ears will not hear her voice calling out to me each time she leaves, “I’m leaving mom, I love you.”
The fluttering, in my soul, is a passionate sense of pride as my mind quietly ponders all of the ways she is bound to soar.
Her wings are not subtly fluttering, they are ready and prepared, about to take flight.
And once she takes flight, I am confident she will place her mark on the world and make a difference.
So maybe, I need to accept the flutters, give in and feel each and every one, knowing and trusting she has made a sound decision for where she envisions her path to take her along her journey of life.
Maybe the flutters remind me to take pause, while I anticipate her departure, and watch my sweet girl, with such ease and grace gradually takes flight, while I look on with wonder and awe.
**first day of Kindergarten**