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Challenge: Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Inside the heart of the barren

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I always had a dream to have lots of babies. I was that girl that when we married we bought the table for ten. I dreamed of filling it with little hands and hungry mouths. I dreamed of pregnancy announcements, and baby showers. I imagined little flutters inside of me and waking my husband to share in those moments in the middle of the night. It was always my dream, until it met my reality....

Our first miscarriage was the same month my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. In the midst of the tragedy, we had prayed for a glimmer of hope. Our second was a week before Christmas. We had the perfect announcement ready. And the third, after years of hopelessness-- the idea that just maybe this would be it. Eventually, it was meant to become barren. Which in simple terms- I am permanently fixed so that pregnancy simply will no longer happen.

I don't know why God answers some prayers, and some he doesn't. I don't know why you can cry and plead to God for something so badly and it doesn't happen. I don't know why some people are healed and some are not. These are not the words you want to come out of a missionary's mouth, but I all I can do is speak the truth. And honestly sometimes we just don't know. It hurts and it's hard some times to just not know. I truly believe though that when I die and stand before God to demand an answer to my injustice, and God himself will be there in all his glory- those moments of my suffering will seem like such a small vapor in the wind compared to the perfect eternity that is ahead of me.

What I do know is that God is loving and He is kind. My heart ached for children, yet my womb remained empty. It always will. He never healed my womb, but he did heal my heart. My husband and I adopted our son, after the loss of our second child. His story is nothing short of a miracle. Our daughter came 6 years later though foster care and she has her own amazing story..

We have these two beautiful, amazing kids. They have incredible stories of triumph and of God's faithfulness. We are so beyond blessed to call them ours!

People say to us "It's God's will..." that our kids are here with us, and this-- this is where I think the story goes wrong. You see I can't believe that God ever intended these kids to be separated from their biological families. It was never God's will that biological parents made poor choices. It was never God's will for us to loose 3 children. God is Good, and He is good ALL the time. Nothing about that brokenness points to the character of God It is never God's will that bad things happen. We live in a fallen world, where sin is like a cancer that seeps through every accept of our lives. It destroys hope. It decays goodness. It kills our joy. Sin keeps us trapped in a fallen world.

You see though my Redeemer lives. Easton’s Bible Dictionary gives a concise definition for Redeemer: one charged with the duty of restoring the rights of another and avenging his wrongs. You see that is exactly what God has done with our family. He has redeemed it. He has taken the wrongs brought on by this world, this very fallen world that we live and made something so very beautiful with it. He took broken children and broken people, and created this perfectly whole family.

God is a god that brings good. He fixes broken things and he fixes broken people all the time. I don't know what broken state you might be in, but God did not place you there-- it's not his will that awful things happened. It is His character though to pull you up and out. It is like him to make something beautiful with you. He can do a good work. He might already be and at the end of the day the enemy will have no power over your story-- because you will look back and say "I have been Redeemed"

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