Now that I’m only working a few days a week, I feel like it’s time I put some real effort into becoming a legitimate housewife. And we all know that starts with a belly button ring.

A couple weeks ago I was standing in front of the mirror getting ready, staring at the battle wounds (or “tiger stripes” as some people call them) around my belly button. The entire time I was pregnant with the twins I was so proud that I was able to carry two babies and obtain not a single stretch mark. Then thing is…I had hundreds but they were all hiding on the dark side of the moon and I could never see them. So imagine my surprise when I woke up the morning after having the boys to a belly full of deep deep stretchmarks.

I’m not upset about it or anything, I’m actually completely fine with how my stomach looks, but when I was standing there getting ready for work I thought, “You know, I aughta spruce this tummy up a little.”

So I got to work and told my friend Amanda that we were going to the tattoo shop down the road during lunch so I could get my belly button pierced. She obliged – because she’s a mom of surprise twins too and she gets it. Kind of.

On the way there she said “You do realize you’re going to be the only person over the age of 18 that has ever walked in this place asking for a belly button ring?”

Totally – but I needed it.

We arrived five minutes after the shop opened and much to my surprise, there were already people in the lobby waiting to get tattoos. I walked up to a man who smelled like cat pee with a huge spike coming out of his lip and said “I want to get my belly button pierced. I’ve had it pierced before. So there’s scar tissue. And I had three kids in a year and a half. And I have a hernia under my belly button.”

He stared at me and asked to see my belly button. Like here? Right here in the middle of the lobby in front of these fellas waiting to get inked? Ok. Here we go! So I whipped out my belly and he touched the button for far too long. It was awkward. Then he looked at me and said “There’s no way I can do this. Yeah – I’m not gonna be able to pierce this.”

Now what the hell am I supposed to do! So naturally we left and went to Target to buy massive amounts of teacher supplies so I could decorate my basement for the kiddos. It’s all about balance.

If I’m going to be a good housewife I need some sort of sprucing up – so what’s a girl to do? Well…I’ll tell ya. I have an appointment in a few weeks to get my eyebrows tattooed on (sweet victory I’ve been waiting years for this!) and tomorrow my friend Chelsey is giving me Botox – because that’s what we do. “We” meaning housewives. Real housewives.