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I'm feelings'd out

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I think I'm feelings'd out.

In between my son's naps, I found myself just sitting on the couch, in silence, getting beyond lost in thought.

I felt my phone vibrate beside me and it was a text from one of my girlfriends.

The text was a simple question.

"How are you feeling?"

I sat there, just staring at the message. I started to respond, but quickly deleted the words. Because truthfully, I didn't know how I was feeling.

My feelings have been on quite the rollercoaster lately.

Most days, I'm just numb.


Of course, I'm still fearful of this virus, but no longer feel like it's waiting for us right outside our front door. There's no homeschooling going on in our home, but that doesn't mean I'm not utterly exhausted.

I'm thankful that we're healthy and safe and get to be together, but this lack of social interaction with other adults, is straight up HARD.

I'm sad because it has been weeks since my mother has seen our son, and she has expressed to me (numerous times, in fact) that she misses him tremendously and just wants to see him. Drive-by visits just aren't the same.

Thankfully, my son is too young to grasp the gravity of the situation, and I am truly grateful that I don't have to explain to him why he can't go to the playground or see his friends. I don't have to explain why he cannot return to school or see his teachers.

You see, though? I feel a million different feelings every single day. I feel a million different feelings, but I'm simply just over it.

I am 100% feelings'd out, sister.

I responded back to her, but my response was so vague, it hurt.

"I don't even know,"

It was the truth. I don't even know how I'm feeling at this point.

I can't help but shake this feeling of uneasiness when I think about the future. What will things look like when this is all over? What does "all over" even mean? What if it never is really "all over"?

I have so many questions, and I don't even know how to feel about that.

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