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I'm a (Bad) Mother: Here's How I Invented a Time Machine

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They say that, "necessity is the mother of invention." Well, I'm a (bad) mother, and I've invented a time machine.

Before I explain the science behind it, let me explain the necessity.

I have 3 kids, and I'm tired.

So, how do I travel through time? Simple; I've found a hole in the matrix.

I didn't modify a DeLoreon, and no plutonium is required for this time machine. In fact, it's pretty low-tech.

So, how does it work? I'll explain.

Sometimes in the evening, I set the clock in the kitchen ahead by an hour.

It's the digital clock on the microwave; the only clock the kids look at for the time.

  1. I tell them it's bedtime, and point (with authority) at the clock.
  2. They go to sleep an hour earlier, and I get to watch a Netflix show and enjoy a glass (or three) of wine.

I'm a terrible person.

However, I believe it was Einstein who proved that time is relative. And, St. Nicholas proved that children are gullible.

I can't take all the credit here; I'm just standing upon the shoulders of giants, as they say.

Tips for building your own "time machine"

The amazing thing is that YOU too can construct a time machine, and no degree in quantum physics is required. Really, all you need is a digital clock and one or more young, gullible children.

Just set the clock forward, put the kids to bed, and enjoy an extra hour of "me" time.


Just keep in mind:

  • The "time machine" doesn't work as well in the Summer; as the sunset is just too late. Even the most trusting of children may question why brilliant sunshine is streaming through the windows at bedtime.
  • Don't push your luck and set the clock ahead by much more than an hour. A child who wakes up well-rested at 5am will ruin your entire time-travel experience.
  • Important: Don't forget to set the clock BACK to the correct time before you go to bed. Once lost, a child's trust is very hard to regain.

If you do decide to "time travel" with your kids, then Godspeed. If all this sounds depraved, that's OK; you're just a better parent than me.

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