You don’t know this, but I made you a promise a long time ago.
You were about a month old.
I was rocking you in your nursey sometime long after the sun was down.
As I rocked you, I promised that you would always have my love.
That it would be you and I against the world, forever and ever.
I told you that it wouldn’t matter what you decided to be when you grew up.
It wouldn’t matter who you loved.
It wouldn’t matter what you did.
No matter what, you my sweet boy, would be treasured.
I didn’t know what kind of mom I would be.
I was pretty sure that I was going to make a million mistakes (I was right), but what I did know was that my soul was made to love yours.
Being your mom was my purpose and that has never changed.
My love has never faded yet I can’t help but wonder if I have failed you.
To me, a mother’s love is made up of hugs and kisses and cuddles but, sometimes, my love is too much for you.
I heard it said once that physical touch to a person with autism can feel like being hit by a tidal wave.
It can be overwhelming and unpleasant.
What do you do when the only way you know how to show love suddenly does the opposite?
When you have a boo-boo you don’t come running to me. Instead, you sit all by yourself. I rush to hold you, but you put your arms out to push me away and my heart breaks.
When I read you bedtime stories, I try to hold you, but you will not let me. You scoot far away and my heart breaks.
You are in your own little world.
And oh what I wouldn’t give to be a part of it, for just a moment.
I know that you love me, sweet boy.
Autism has taught me to listen and look with my heart.
Autism has taught me to hear words that can’t be spoken.
I see your love when you sneak in my bed in the middle of the night, just to sleep beside me.
I see your love when you run across the room just to touch my face for a moment.
I see it when you ask for tickles and stories.
I know that you love me but sometimes I wonder if you know just how much I love you.
I wonder if you know that being your mama is the best thing I will ever do. That I will never stop fighting for you. That I will be your voice until the day that I die.
I wonder if you know that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. That I would give up anything in the world for you. That I would choose your happy over mine, anytime.
I wonder if you know that I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. That I couldn’t have asked for a better baby. That you are absolutely perfect just the way you are.
Without the boo-boo kisses and the bedtime snuggles, do you know that you are my whole world?
With one little grin you can brighten even my worst days.
With one laugh you can take away my pain.
You are my sun and my moon and everything in between.
I chaperone all the field trips and I come to all the school parties. I take you on car rides every chance I get (they’re your favorite) and we blast music (Eminem, of course). I buy everything you could ever want. I read you bedtime stories and make your favorite snacks.
I try, baby.
I try every day to show you that I love you in your ways instead of mine.
But I don’t know what you understand.
I don’t know what goes on in your little mind.
I wish I knew what you were thinking.
I wish I knew how you felt.
I wish I knew how your day was.
Most of all, I wish I knew if you felt my love.
So I will give you extra bedtime kisses. I will read you extra stories. I will make you extra cookies.
I will love you a little extra, just in case.