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I didn't have a life before my children

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I've had a long day.

A day full of to do's that have been put off for weeks.

I've worked my hands until they're blistered. My legs until they've cramped and almost given out. My feet until they've ached with each step.

And these two...these two precious little souls have tested every nerve in me. I've cleaned, they've strewn. I've said no, they've pushed back. I've threatened, they've cried. My patience worn thin, I felt so close to breaking.

I found myself sitting on the couch, finally taking a break for the day, begging my brother to help me with bath time. My childless, 34 year old, bachelor brother with no responsibilities to anyone but himself.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes envy him. I've forgotten what it's like to live only for myself. To only care for my wants and needs.

I barely remember those carefree days. The days when my life was mine and mine alone. The days when my responsibilities paled into comparison to the workload I now tackle. They've faded so far in the distance that they seem like another life. A life that I have no memory of.

But I can vividly remember the day my oldest said her very first word..."hello". I remember smiling excitedly and begging her over and over to say it again. It was music to my ears.

I can recall every detail of the day my baby boy took his first steps. Those chubby little legs barely holding the weight of my then 9 month old chunk of love. He walked across our living room floor, straight into my waiting arms; the biggest smile on his perfect baby face.

I know everything that makes them happy; all the things that make them sad.

I know how to heal the hurt, and love away the booboo's.

I know the difference in a tantrum, and a tired, let-out-all-of-my-emotions cry.

I know what makes them tick. What will send them over the edge; and then what will bring them back down again.

I know what they want before they even speak, and I know what they're thinking before they've even completely formulated their thoughts.

They're the biggest part of me. They're the best part of me. They're the only part of me that matters.

Somedays I wish for a break. Somedays I imagine how much easier it would be if my life were different.

But the truth is, I didn't have a life before them. I wasn't really living. I didn't understand my purpose until they gave it to me.

I'm so tired. So gloriously tired.

And thankful, grateful, and blessed.

These babies are exhausting in all the best ways.

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