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How to Win the Morning Game in 33 Moves

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What can I say? Once in a blue moon I have myself together enough to have a "Good Morning."

How do I do it? Let me break it down:


  • 1 9 o’clock: Say ‘bye to Hubs & start searching the apartment for coffee mug.
  • 2 Stumble across last night's To Do lists of calls to make, projects to finish, etc. Add notes about half tackled chores and projects in every room.
  • 4 Find mug in kitchen next to coffee maker. Take sip & start to empty dishwasher. Get called to help kid to potty.
  • 5 After cleaning up messy kid & toilet, wash hands & go back to kitchen & much needed coffee.
  • 6 Get a few more pieces out of dishwasher, discard them next to the fridge when frantically called to check out emergency. Take selfie with Boy and very important newly designed robot.
  • 7 Realize girl is not wearing unders after poop accident on toilet; head into kids room & discover it is shockingly tidy.
  • 8 Have idea for silly blog post, go in search of phone to make notes.
  • 9 Look up from making list & ponder how the hell coffee mug ended up on top of living room bookcase.
  • 10 Upon hearing sounds of dishwasher being started, rush to kitchen and cancel it. Send Boy back to the robots.
  • 11 Take another sip of cold coffee, note the pot is empty. Remember to pull out teabags for a pitcher of iced tea for afternoon caffeination.
  • 12 Get called to another bathroom, wipe another booty, wash hands for the hundredth time.
  • 13 Adding items to blog list, Note you skipped step 3 & decide you’ve come too far to fix it. Set up iced tea pitcher.
  • 14 Giggle because you typed “fart" instead of “far."
  • 15 Become suddenly & urgently aware you need to pee. Then panic as you remember Girl is in unders (not diaper) & wonder how long it’s been since she was on potty.
  • 16 Discover her splashing in her own puddle and curse self for not paying attention to time.
  • 17 Sift through all the laundry to find other things to throw in washer with wet towels and unders. Give up and start the stupidly small load.
  • 18 Discover Boy swiping a roll from the breadbox & check clock before taking it away. Confirm it is indeed lunchtime. Grab each kid a cheesestick to go with their rolls.
  • 19 Wonder how the hell it got to be lunchtime, anyway, as you finally finish emptying the diswasher.
  • 20 When reminder alarm goes off on phone wonder where the hell did the phone go? And then what alarm is for…
  • 21 Several minutes after alarm stops curse out loud because you finally remember that everyone might still be in PJs, but you all need to be dressed and out the door in 20 minutes if you’re going to make it to the Boy’s doctor appointment.
  • 22 Start getting Boy dressed & realize all his clean shorts are in the dryer. Stop on your way back to pack a bag of snacks & drop it by the door.
  • 23 Walk into kids room to discover Girl in another puddle just outside bathroom. Note she was in no way rushing to reach the toilet 3 feet away from her.
  • 24 Put Girl in DIAPER and pluck a combo of semi-clean clothes from the top of her dresser while simultaneously using bath towel to mop floor with one foot.
  • 25 Congratulate self on multi-tasking.
  • 26 Cramming the new wet stuff into laundry, switch to cursing that half load of laundry that is just finishing it’s cycle.
  • 27 Note how shrill you sound as you shout to kids to put on their shoes. Decide to apologize after you’ve gathered ALL THE THINGS and get them in the stroller.
  • 28 After a moment's hesitation decide there is no need to change out of the yoga pants and tank you’ve been rocking for the last 48 hours. Grab a button-up to wear as an “over” shirt.
  • 29 Beg children to just grab their shoes and get into the stroller.
  • 30 Buckle down the kids; shove in all 3 bags, the snack pack & the ice waters.
  • 31 Take opportunity of locked down kids to dash to the bathroom & pee without fear of catastrophe.
  • 32 12:10pm: Hit the elevator button and prepare for one or both of the kids to start screaming about who’s turn it was, and who gets to push the lobby button inside.
  • 33 With spiteful satisfaction, push the lobby button your own damn self.
  • 34 Exit the elevator and glide through the building lobby, smiling sweetly, while softly apologizing to kids for turning into psycho mommy.

Explain you were frantic because you simply don’t know where the time went this morning.

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