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Challenge: Pregnancy and Infant Loss

How it feels to be mother to an angel

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It's a hard thing to explain to people that haven't walked this road. To have carried someone you loved with all of your heart, yet never got to meet.

That's how it feels to be a mother to an angel. To see the test turn positive and feel, almost on a molecular level, a new life growing inside of you. It's an instant love. An forever bond unlike any other.

That's how it feels to be a mother to an angel.


You are happy one day and the next your heart gets broken, as the cramping and the bleeding begins or you have to hear the words, "there's no heartbeat," in a cold examining room.

That's how it feels to be a mother to an angel.

It's not just your heart that breaks, it's loved ones that knew and siblings that will now grow up without that baby by their side. It's daddies that fight their own grief when mommies cry in recovery from a surgery she never wanted, to remove her baby's body that wouldn't let go.

That's how it feels to be a mother to an angel.

It's in the not knowing, the never seeing, the love that is left for her to give and nobody to give it to. It's in the what could've been and the wishing things could be different.

For some, it's in never having a place to mourn, visit and remember. And for me, that all changed yesterday as my Bayley and Sawyer finally got a stone with their names on it and were visited by the two people that love them the most this side of Heaven, their mommy and daddy.

This post originally appeared on the author's blog.

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