Lean in fellow introverts, women who have always struggled befriending females, and all other sorts of loner types who feel destined to a life of solitude in motherhood without the ride or die posse/tribe/village that Instagram hashtags with pics of beautifully showered mamas laughing in a circle of tunics sipping fancy coffee at 11am.
Ummmmm, no. Just no.
Let's all just get real about what it's like to be a friend during motherhood.
It. Is. Hard.
Darn near impossible, really.
There are truths moms need to recognize for a real, lasting friendship while you're a mom; things like:
1. I will make plans with you and be genuinely excited for them at the time, but when it comes time for said plans I will either,
a.) Be too tired,
b.) Forget entirely, or
c.) Already have taken off my bra.
2. I'm tired. Always. So if you want to make plans with me after 8pm, you should assume it's a hard pass from this granny-at-heart.
3. My kids are animals. There, I said it. So if you have little tolerance for loudness, high decibel screeching, or random meltdowns at any moment, I'm not your person. The. End.
4. If you are high maintenance--Read: Require talking at length more than once a week or need me to remember important dates before a week after Facebook has reminded me--Again, not your gal. Sorry but this is my truth.
Here's the thing, friends. Unless you are one of the VERY few women to have been blessed with an unlikely Hallmark movie type of friendship that sustained you through middle school, prom, college graduation, and marriage, you are probably like the rest of us out here floundering around wishing we had a person, a tribe, or just someone to text at 3am when our to-do list won't stop replaying in our mind and our husband is snoring and we've already eaten the last of the previous holiday's candy we hid from our kids.
Sisters, we need to just be flat-out honest with ourselves and and those we hope to bring into our fold because we are too old and too tired to waste time playing high school with women who don't have our best interests at heart. Bye, Felicia!
So let me write the personal ad for you...
"Mostly happily married woman seeks friendship with other woman--don't be gross. I am completely awkward, usually anxious, and tend to spiral over unnecessary events/possibilities/scenarios for which the chosen candidate will need to be on call via text message and never call me on the phone. Ever.
Seeking low maintenance friend who drinks coffee (or will ride through Starbucks with me on every outing bc you're not the boss of me), speaks fluent sarcasm and/or movie quotes, and who appreciates the finer things in life such as wine slushies, 90s music/movies, and a great pair of stretchy pants. Bonus for superior knowledge of Friends and/or The Office trivia."
See, friends, I am not looking for someone to braid my hair or tell me what they think I want to hear.
I'm out of time for that.
I need someone I can call when I just finished hiding from my kids in my car or crying in the shower for the fourth time this week.
I need a friend who can hear me say how my husband hurt my feelings or how I want to know the return policy on my kids and they won't think I'm serious or start sending me names of divorce attorneys.
Friends, I need another mom who has been there or IS there to say, "Yep, me too," or smile and say nothing at all because we are sisters and we know that fixing things isn't what we came looking for in the first place
Making friends is hard.
When you're battling anxiety, mental health, financial strain, marital stress, or any number of other VERY common adult issues, it can feel totally impossible to find someone around which you can be your WHOLE self and not doubt that the other person will still be there, hand outstretched, to keep pulling you up; because that's what real friends do.
Over and over again.
Friends in adulthood come in seasons.
Hear me when I say, that is OKAY.
I have writer friends and work friends, mom friends and single friends. I have friends through therapy and friends who are fellow extreme parents.
My BFF, my 30+ year friend, the Blanche to my Dorothy, the Kimmie to my DJ, is someone I love with every part of me. But we have had "off seasons" where we lost track, lost touch, and came back again.
Mamas, we need each other. In different times, we may lean more heavily on one than the other. That is how this works. Stop getting your feelings hurt and just be there with a casserole, handwritten card, or box of wine when it is your turn to step up.
Spare me the bull crap. Get straight to the bone marrow of it all.
Are you for me? Because if I'm in your corner, I'm there for life, sister.
I will cheer for you and pray for you, cry with you and ring the loudest, most obnoxious cowbell for allll of your kid's sporting events.
Here's to the women in my world who make me better. So. Dang. Grateful. ❤️
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