I was once consumed with jealousy. I was constantly checking out other moms from head to toe as I examined all that they had and I didn't . They were always prettier, skinnier, wealthier and happier. I was self-sabotaging and living in a world where I focused on what I did not have rather than all of the wonderful things I did. I wanted more out of life, but I didn't do anything to change. i lived in self-pity and envy and I was 100% unfulfilled.
It was during this period of my life that I wrote this article for Working Mother Magazine: An Open Letter to Suburban Moms
Everything I wrote in this piece was true, honest, and authentic. It was what I felt at that time. Writing this even brought me to the place where I realized the problem was indeed with me, not them.
It is difficult for me to read this article today. It makes me sad to look back and see the woman I was when jealousy filled my mind, heart and spirit day after day after day. Self-pity was my norm. I was empty. My self-esteem was low. I was in an unhealthy relationship and I was doing very little to feed my soul.
But I wrote this. And this is part of my story. And every little chapter, sentence, and word of my story brought me to where I am today.
Where I am today is beautiful and amazing and worth the pain.
Today I am fulfilled. I am not jealous. I am not concerned with what you are wearing or driving or what size clothes you wear. I see you as a fellow human. I want to be kind and unassuming and I try really, really hard not to judge.
I am in a better place. I worked hard to get here and I hope to never go back.
Growth is hard and uncomfortable and I am stubborn and fail often before I succeed but let me tell you on the other side of the fear and discomfort and jealousy and self-pity is something beautiful. For me it's self-worth, spiritual fulfillment, a life of purpose and a heart of love.
I am sorry to those who I judged so critically and harshly for so many years. I am sorry for acting like I knew you when I really did not. I am sorry for assuming the worst and thinking I was better than you because I was suffering and to me, you just weren't.
I am so grateful that I grew through it. That I documented it in writing and that I am no longer a miserable, judg-ey, jealous mom. I am far from perfect but I am better.I will keep learning, keep praying, and keep trying to be better. Life is too short for jealousy and the power to change was always within me and only me.
"Yesterday, i was clever, I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. " -rumi