Thank you for being brave and sharing your journey. I remember being where you are and feeling like I was in a tunnel and I couldn't yet see the light at the end of it...or if there was even a light at all. I want you to know you are not alone. My partner, Jason and I endured 6 miscarriages, and the loss of 7 babies…one of my pregnancies was twins. The day the twins miscarried was the worst day of my life. We did everything…the natural method, IUI, IVF…all of it. I felt like a pin cushion with all the shots I had to take, and at times I didn’t recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. So after some serious soul searching, we decided on surrogacy. Also, we needed to use a donor egg...seems mine had expired. That was the toughest decision I've ever made...not being genetically connected to my baby.
There isn’t a guidebook to using a surrogate, and the idea of someone else carrying my child was unwelcome to me at first. I felt like a failure, but through the love and support from my partner, therapist, doctors, and loved ones, I realized that the women who do this for those who can’t are true heroes…they are amazing! Our angel surrogate took the absolute best care of our baby. We got weekly baby bump pics and made recordings of our voices reading and singing for the baby to hear through belly headphones. Also, when I got sad and longed to feel my baby growing, I would send our angel a note and ask her to rub her belly and tell it mama was thinking of you and cannot wait to hold you…and she would.
The birth of our baby was the best day of my life! Our angel surrogate gave birth to our beautiful girl, who is now a year old. I am a mom! I am a mom to the most curious, funny, social, and chill kid! This baby and I didn’t take long to bond, and now instead of pain when I think of using the donor egg, I see this little squishy face and realize that donor made this baby...this love, and now when she walks over to me and lifts her arms up and wants me to hold her, I feel the most at peace and so full of love. I am so grateful that we chose surrogacy and so grateful to the women who do what I can’t—make a baby.
Dylan...moving through infertility for me was a process of acceptance, letting go, and breaking the one-way narrative that says there's only one way to make a baby. You will have your child...and you will find your way out of that tunnel. You are now apart of a strong community of women and men who are here to help you and carry you when you can't. Keep us posted and keep putting one foot in front of the other.