I remember my first panic attack like it was yesterday.
My triplets were 3 months old, and the sleep deprivation was sucking the life out of me.
I was so ashamed of myself for not loving this new season of motherhood, something I desired and longed for so deeply.
If you have experienced a panic attack before you know it can onset pretty quickly. I laid sobbing on my bathroom floor, trembling and sweating all over. Tears uncontrollably flowed down my cheeks while my husband cradled me in his arms. I could barely breathe. I felt like a failure. My postpartum anxiety and depression was crippling me. I had no clue what I was doing with my 3 tiny infants (for the record, I still don't have a clue what I am doing).
I knew I needed help. I knew I needed to make a change.
The months went by and we made the changes needed to help me through the season. I went on medication and hired a mommy helper. You do what you need to do.
I was eventually able to go off the medication I was prescribed...until my kids turned 2 and I found myself spiraling down the hole again.
I was so frustrated to see myself falling into this season of anxiety again, but I knew the steps I needed to take in order to help me face my anxiety struggles and be a good mom at the same time.
I went back on my meds.
Fast forward to January 2018. New year, new me. I felt like I had been doing so much better with my anxiety. I felt more calm and collected and hadn't had an anxiety attack in months. For now, I will spare you with the details, but I made the choice to go off my anxiety meds. In so many words, it was a bad idea. I was a loose cannon with very little patience. I felt so ashamed of myself. I realized I made a premature decision to go off my meds. I just wasn't ready.
Embarrassed. Frustrated. Disappointed.
I can see now that I'm just a mom trying to be healthy for her family. Being on anxiety meds doesn't make you a failure - it makes you a human being who is trying to be the best she can be. Being a mom is so hard. Sometimes you have to do hard things to be a better you.
We have to stick together Mamas and know we aren't alone.
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