I often joke with my husband that I'm broken. I apologize with a giggle because he married a defective woman. The reality of the matter is I'm really not joking and it's really not funny, but it's one of my many coping mechanisms for the days when my past, more like the enemy, tries to sneak in and steal my joy.
I have become an open book over the years to help others who are going through or who have gone through similar situations because I know I am not the only one who feels "broken" some days, even though I KNOW this is not true! But how many of us have gone through something so traumatic or so debilitating that when it rears its ugly head as a reminder it takes everything for us to just pretend to be normal functioning people of society?? What I went through is my struggle, my past, my story, my trauma, but I also know it doesn't come close to what some women AND men have gone through, what they're still going through, and the war that rages on in their own minds from the time they wake up from a sleepless night to the time they try to lay down for what they pray will be a night of some rest. I can't fathom and I pray you find relief and peace. For me it was loss, it was rape, it was abuse, it was addictions, it was the continual sinful sexual relationships, or rather brief engagements, I found myself in solely for the hope that they would love me. It's what I put my first son through... things no child should ever have to go through... I did that... that's on me. I've owned every part of my past and tried to apologize AND forgive everyone I could, but on the days that I am weak... it's all there to remind me.
??So why am I writing this?? It's not for sympathy and it's not to steal your joy. It's a reminder...
I'm still here! What didn't kill me MADE ME STRONGER and it continues to even on the days when I struggle because, GUESS WHAT?? Even when I am having a day where I am weak... when I can't seem to shake the demons of my past that I KNOW I have been delivered from AND forgiven of my trespasses... GOD IS STILL SO STRONG!! And He continues to work within me when I can't... as long as while my head is down I am praying... I am seeking Him... I am asking Him for His guidance... and remembering I may not be able to but He can!!! Can I get an AMEN?!
And guess what else?!?! He can do the same for YOU!! HE WANTS TO!! - I still have a lot of healing to do... I have had to learn how to love all over again and accept that I can give my whole heart to those in my life today because they aren't going to hurt me. I have to remind myself loss is a part of life and it's okay to love fiercely without being afraid something bad is going to happen. And the MOST AMAZING thing about everything I've realized over the years, since being set free, and finding my new relationship with Christ is this...
I don't have to do any of this alone anymore. (AND NEITHER DO YOU!) No matter what... I have Him to lean on ALWAYS. Even on my loneliest days when I struggle to let anyone else in because of those "things"
I'm still working on... I can let God in... I can let Him help... I can lean on and rely on Him always because " Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8 NKJV
Do not be afraid to love. Do not be afraid to live. And most IMPORTANTLY do not be afraid to let HIM in and help you!!
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