It’s the end of the school year and I’m so done. Except I’m not done because unlike most of you lucky devils who are finishing up this week, our schools won't release the Krakken for four more weeks.
The accumulated exhaustion from doing the exact same tasks again and again and again, combined with spring sports insanity and all of the end of year “celebrations” just becomes too much.
In September, I was a shining example of good parenting. Now I am reduced to giving my children random slices of cheese on a torn paper towel for breakfast. I call this phenomenon Fourth Quarter Parenting. I want to be a shiny, happy, awesome mom but I just can't do it. I'm too tired. There are too many things at this stage of the school year. Sorry.
As it turns out, I’m not alone. I shared a few examples of #4thQtrParenting on my Facebook page and got hundreds and hundreds of comments in response that had me cracking up. As usual, it is proven that the people who read my blog are about a million times funnier than I am.
Here are 40 examples of #4thQtrParenting:
1. When you only pack snacks for your kid’s lunch because the thought of making another sandwich makes you want to cry
2. Clothes are no longer clean or dirty. They’re either dirty or “can probably be Febrezed.”
3. When the reading log has the same book listed 5 days in a row with "some pages" read.
4. All the white shirts are gray now.
5. If you receive another email with a sign up genius in it, there's going to be an unfortunate incident.
6. Bathtime decisions are now based solely on the cleanliness of the skin that will show.
7. The cute, insulated lunch bag broke so you sent your kindergartner to school with their food in a plastic bag emblazoned with “TOTAL WINE” on the side and didn’t notice until they walked onto the bus.
8. “You have a chorus concert this week? And a band concert? Oh yayyyyyyy.”
9. The Science Fair is the last week of school? So the hypothesis is something like: "How much does your science teacher hate me?"
10. You've been signing all the school papers as "Darth Vader" and nobody seems to have noticed.
11. When the 8th "lice has been confirmed in the class" letter hits your inbox and you just decide to shave heads.
12. When your bedtime routine has degenerated into repeatedly yelling “GO TO SLEEP.”
13. Your kid’s three-ring binder is held together with packing tape and prayers.
14. White baseball pants with grass stains on the rear end are good for a minimum of two practices.
15. You're playing Candy Crush during the Awards Banquet and you don't even care because the damn thing is THREE HOURS LONG.
16. You've swapped out all your kids’ winter clothes and put the summer stuff in their dressers but then it gets cold again and you're like "Just wear that weird parka stop complaining."
17. You are so out of excuses for being tardy that you start writing things like: “There were all these goats…”
18. Your kid's backback zipper is busted but instead of buying a new one you just remind the kid in question to check behind him as he walks in case anything important falls out.
19. Your 3rd quarter self signed up to chaperone a 4th quarter field trip and now you want to punch your 3rd quarter self in the face.
20. Your son's jeans look like capris but you're not buying him new ones because it's almost summer. Sorry kid. Welcome to The Shire.
Oh yes, I do.
21. When your kid tells you they need black pants and a white shirt for orchestra and you hand them an undershirt and their brother’s sweatpants.
22. When is it generally accepted that the appropriate response to a 4th quarter outbreak of Norovirus is hysterical crying.
22. When creative theme nights for dinner like “No Meat Monday” and “Taco Tuesday” have morphed into "Fend for Yourself Friday” or “Whatever We’ve Got Wednesday.”
23. Your kid's uniform is filthy & there's a game tonight but you’re high fiving each other because you actually found the uniform.
24. “You need cupcakes for tomorrow? How about a half-empty box of store brand graham crackers from the last time we made s’mores?”
25. Your daughter claims to need a new box of pencils and they have to be the nice ones and oh how you laugh and laugh!
26. When your calendar is so full of end of the year events and sports between now and the middle of June that you literally have to schedule your stress melt-downs.
27. Water shoes count as shoes.
28. Beginning of school: no electronics on weeknights. End of school: On their phones before they even have their shoes off.
29. Pepperoni, a handful of dry cereal, and a fruit leather is a suitable brown bag lunch. (Minus the brown bag. We are out of those.)
30. The overdue notices from the school library are now rolling in because you stopped caring enough to remind them to return their books 3 weeks ago.
31. When your daughter's "good school bra" breaks, and you buy 3 swimsuit tops as a replacement…
32. When that backpack smells like old cheese and damp mystery crumbs, but you just can't even so you figure you'll burn it over the summer.
33. “Fine. Don’t brush your hair. You look demented and we’ll probably have to shave it, but whatever, your call.”
34. When you sign the take-home folder like 8 times at once so you don't have to look at it for the rest of the year.
35. You refuse to do anymore math for homework but you will totally do it to figure out exactly how much money to put in the lunch account for the last time.
36. When your 7th grader tries to leave in the exact same clothes he wore yesterday and you tell him to at least put on a different jacket so it's not as obvious.
37. Remember that behavior and goals chart that you used to care so much about that you had family "conversations" about it nearly every evening? Yeah, you can no longer find it and you care not at all.
38. Your kids leave something on the floor for the umpteenth time and you no longer care about anything, so you throw it in the outside trash like a damn gangster.
39. Question: What are you making for snack? Answer: Mom's death stare.
40. “Do you guys have any homework? Never mind, I don't even care anymore."
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