I always dreamed of being a mom. I loved being around children, and I babysat a ton when I was in high school so when I had my first child I thought I was well prepared and the transition would be smooth. To put it simply, it was not. It was hard; it still is hard. But you know what got me through those first clueless and sleepless months and continues to carry me? You guessed it, an amazing group of friends, my mom tribe.
Ladies, we need other mommies who get us, women who we can commiserate with, get advice from, share a laugh with. I am fortunate to have a great tribe of moms in my life. If you are still looking for yours, here are my three tips for finding your crew.
I remember very clearly the day a friend confided in me that she struggled with anxiety, something that I also struggle with. I was blown away that this seemingly perfect mom was dealing with something so difficult and something that I knew about first hand. It deepened our friendship and helped me let go of what felt like a giant secret that I needed to keep. This experience taught me that to truly take my relationships to the next level, beyond surface friendships, I needed to be honest and authentic.
Be yourself. If your house is always a mess, don’t pretend like it’s usually clean. If you always run late, don’t act like this is the only time you’ve shown up ½ hour after playdate started. If you feed your kids processed food, don’t pretend that those fruit snacks are organic. If you don’t feel like you have your act together, don’t act like you do. Because here’s the thing, none of us do. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, there are no perfect moms. We all struggle, none of us have our act together even if we look like we do. Share your imperfections, your struggles, your suffering-that’s what makes you who you are.
PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE
If you want to find your mom tribe, you gotta put yourself out there. I won’t lie here, this is hard for me and I’ve failed at this over the years. I tried to join a playgroup when my triplets were about 2 and I was told there was no room in the group. I was devastated because the group was made up of a bunch of moms I thought I could really get along with. Luckily for me, these moms started inviting me to things and we did get to be friends. This taught me that I can’t passively sit back and wait for cool moms to show up in my life.
Putting yourself out there means physically going out, or inviting people over. So log off of the interweb and get out there. Join a local moms club, start chatting with the other moms at work, or join a mommy and me class. If you are digging any of those moms, ask them out on a playdate! This is super difficult and can be awkward, but it’s a necessary step to finding your mom tribe.
WHEN YOU FIND YOUR MOM TRIBE – KEEP IT GOING
This part can be difficult especially as kids get older. When my littles were tiny and not in school, I set the schedule, chose where we went, and who we hung out with. Mostly, we hit the park with my amazing friends and their adorable littles. Now that my kids are older, their school and extracurricular activities set the schedule, determine where we go, and who we hang out with. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy the moms in the karate, dance, and gymnastics waiting rooms because I do. But I will say it takes time out of my life, making it more difficult to get together with the original crew.
It can be very easy to let this new life with new people take over, but once you find your mom tribe, the ones that you really get you, the ones that you can really be yourself around, you need to hold on to them. Invest time in those relationships. Because when you need a shoulder to cry on, it might be a little awkward if the shoulder you choose is some random stranger sitting on a bench outside of dance class.
So what about you? Have you found your tribe yet? Or, are you still looking?
This post originally appeared on the author's blog.