It used to be that once in a great while...usually after several days of the babes being gone for a visit with their other parent, and a complete lull in the house...I'd get a small twinge of some sort of emotional mix. A mix of lonesome, maybe a little boredom, and even a small amount of fear. Lonesome of course, because my entire life has been consumed by these great little babes and their needs, and I wasn't totally sure how to wind down into days of free time for myself...or what that even was. Boredom, because the house by that point, would be immaculate...no muddy feet traipsing through the kitchen, no laundry piled, no giggling heard from each corner of the house, no pb&j stuck to the counter tops, and no little bodies next to mine to hold.

The fear though...that was the one that was so odd. The one that made the twinge...twinge. It usually started with a little doubt, and would momentarily leave me questioning so much. Was I doing a great job parenting them? Were they fulfilled emotionally, physically, spiritually? Did they know they were loved, safe in all definitions, that I had their best interests and intentions at heart? Were they happy here, did they know joy? Did I give enough, did I do enough? Was I enough?

Tough questions bred in doubt, and full of twinge.

After all, they sounded so happy on a visit...excited to be receiving new toys, seeing new people, celebrating new things, going on great adventures, (eating foods they don't normally get at home hahaha), just one big carnival visit full of magic and endless go-go-go fun! So they must be happier there, right? That must mean that I'm not doing enough here...right?

The twinge.

All great parents question themselves. All great parents want more for their children. All great parents are concerned and consumed with the well-being of their child and ensuring it is balanced. All great parents just want to be enough...

What I've come to realize most, is this...I am enough. I do enough...more than...whenever possible. I give enough. It is all enough. They are happy, they know joy, they know they are safe, loved, and are fulfilled in every way I am capable. I am doing a great job, and have done a great job. It is ok for them to be happy and joyful in other family environments, other than ours, without any underlying fear of unhappiness here. It is necessary to support that and to realize it is an important degree to their raising. In fact, it has nothing to do with me, and the only thing it says about our parenting, is that we are doing it RIGHT. Supporting the excitement they share for the other parts of their little hearts. It is now, and should continue to be a relief to hear the excitement in their voices, and to share in their other world, supporting every experience they have there. To be grateful they are getting the opportunity to show love and receive love in other circumstance. It speaks nothing of their happiness except that, we are all interested in them being happy!

It is easy to feel like the boring parent...easy to question yourself when you are the one doing the day-to-day raising. When you're the one with the rules, the schedules, the limited ability to seek great adventure during weekdays, own three kittens, and unwilling to keep a counter top full of sugary sweets due to the fact that you're also the one who will have to care for them after cavity fills. But, you're not boring. You are enough. You are the safe place they want when their world is tough, or their heart is hurting. You are the schedule and structure they can rely on to know exactly what to expect from you, their environment, their day, and their emotions. You are the forever place where they will always have the freedom to know and be who they are on their best day, and on their worst. You're their first home...and while carnival is exciting and fun and shiny...you are where they've grown and will continue to. Nothing else matters, because in between the house rules, life raising, schedule chasing, and wish to create more for them...they are fulfilled by your desire to do your best for them, and the genuine love that work contains. And, although they may focus on material aspects of outside experiences (because they are so literal), it is you, and your "boring" place that they will always find rest and security in. The work you are doing, including supporting their outside experiences and excitement is great work. It is hard and mostly without immediate reward. But it comes, and will come in pounds and pounds when they've grown.

The twinge is a liar. It is an irrelevant fear that pushes the agenda of division among co-parents at the expense of their children. It pushes feelings of unnecessary competition, frustration, and feelings of inadequacy, when parenting is hard enough. I'm grateful the twinge is gone from this house, and that the babes have families who can give them the exciting and adventurous experiences they need. It is a break from the mundane for them, a temporary holiday that they look forward to and coming back from, with stories to share and smiling faces. It's an extension of your love for them, and an understanding for the support they need to live and thrive within several families. An extension of their best interests in them knowing they are free to love, enjoy and participate fully in who they are.

It's rest...for them, and you. An opportunity to reflect on all you're doing for them, and why. An opportunity to miss the mundane. To miss the moments when you feel like you're just a tired, yogurt covered, taxi driving, appointment missing mess of a mother, just trying to be her best for the best gifts she's ever been given. To miss the chaos, and to celebrate the fact that you've managed to make it this far and have raised amazing souls in the process. To take a uninterrupted nap...or possibly go on a date that doesn't require a babysitter, wearing the perfume that you love, but can't wear around your allergy ridden tween. Time for you...to relax in the ideas that you are enough...that there doesn't need to be a twinge...that everything is as it should be, and you are giving all you can when they are here, and when they are away.

Go ahead with the lonesome...it means you know what you have, and that you're grateful for the hearts that you get to love for life. Enjoy the boredom...it speaks to how full your life is, and what chaos you're capable of managing. But the fear...let it go. It has no place in your journey as a mother, or the raising of your babes to know all the love they possibly can. You are enough. You may not be shiny...you may not be fun all the time...you may be far from perfect...but, you are enough.

Take comfort in the fact that you are enough and the fact that you are concerned with being such, shows your immense love for them. Take comfort in the fact that you are a part of creating a whole and happy life for your children that includes accepting their shiny other worlds, and celebrating the carnival of what other parts of their heart they belong to.

Take comfort in the fact that you will always be their first forever home...and that you do not have to fear anything. You. Are. Enough.

Let go of the twinge.