I figured it out. I know the perfect way to shut your kids down and guarantee that they will neither hear what you have to say or be able to offer you anything about how they are processing life.

All you have to do is make an issue of it. Just sit them down and look them in the eye and say things like, “I need to talk to you about something.” They will close down faster and tighter than a bank at 5pm.

What I would do with my kids is step into a topic of importance while engaging them in something else—something fun. Suddenly, all the lanes would open up. They listened to what I said and even offered up their own thoughts on life and where they stood.

It is also important to do life with your kids and not just teach about it. My kids grew up in a very diverse environment, allowing them to have relationships with multiple ethnicities and people from different backgrounds from the time they were born—because I placed value on diversity—even in my own relationships. I modeled the kind of behavior I wanted from them. The way I see it, every person has too much value to be eliminated from the possibility of friendship.

It’s similar to the difference of when a coach tells you what to do and when he shows you what to do. When he tells you what to do, you can edit him out. But when he shows you, it gets imprinted in your mind. In the same way, when you tell your kids about life versus talking to them while doing life, it’s a whole different ball game. I owe a large part of my long football career to good coaches who knew how to communicate.

But I also learned this: you have to give to get. Let your stories out. Tell your kids about your life. When your stories are given, especially where vulnerabilities and mistakes are exposed, it’s amazing how willing, even excited, they are to share from their own lives.

Make sure all the important gems of knowledge that you would like to share don’t get lumped in the same category as clean your room, or do your homework! Pick a different, fun backdrop for your message, talk and don’t worry that they might not be catching your drift. If you are both having fun while you’re imparting wisdoms, they are hearing you.

Give it a try. You’ll see how great it is to really be heard.