Raising kids is a bitch.

Social media can sure help us look like we’re doing things just right, or that EVERYBODY ELSE is! But by all means, let’s a take a moment to read between the lines…

My kids drive me crazy. On the daily. Admittedly, I set the bar pretty high for myself. From a very young age, I conjured up a list of all the ways I’d be an amazing mother, and my kids and I would be besties, and surely their friends would want to be my besties too…it’s the signature of every cool mom.

And while I thought my plan was pretty flawless, turns out my parenting goals evolved as I started adulting, aaaaaandkids can end up Effing up every plan ever created. I didn’t factor in sibling rivalry, puberty, bratty behavior, homework, ADHD and general defiance. I suspected they’d be perfect, like…nevermind.

Being an actual parent is a rude awakening. I, in fact, no longer care if my kids or their friends like me. It’s a PERK, but not a necessity. So to the many who profess that there’s nothing more important in life than your child’s happiness:

I call B.S.

Being healthy is my number one goal for my kids. If they are physically and mentally healthy– I promise, happiness will follow. That goes for us, too.

My second goal: not raising assholes. This is harder than it looks!

• I have a Master’s Degree in Education
• I’ve taught and coached first through eighth graders
• I ran a school for almost a decade
• My mind operates much like a child’s
• My primary job is to raise my kids

As someone who was once considered an expert in the field, I’ve done wonders for other people’s kids, but sometimes feel shortchanged when it comes to trying to raise my own well-balanced, non-entitled little buggers! If I can’t do it, You. Are. Screwed.

But alas, there is hope. Given the credentials I’ve built up as a PARENTING GODDESS, there are a few nuggets of wisdom that I can offer to assure you that you and I are on the right track, even when it doesn’t quite feel that way. Here’s a new, more modern recipe for How To Be The Perfect Mother, and raising healthy children along the way!

I leave you with my perfect vision of my kids. A moment I cherish and blindly store in my head as what daily life is really like. And it’s okay. Because at the end of the day, I love them warts and all, and this is exactly what I want to remember. I’m doing it right. And so are you.

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