And not at all just like that, I'm done taking our kids to school.

Not at all just like that because the days have been long and the years longer still.

~

This kid. He'll happily get himself to school from this day forward, setting his wheels in motion for increased independence and new found freedoms. He asked me, "Mom, are you so glad you're done driving me everywhere?" Um, no, son. Not today. Not yet. Not even at all. I started missing my moments with him in the car weeks ago. Before they were ever over I already wanted them back.

~

Even so, not at all just like that here we are. At the dawning of a new day. A four-car family with the insurance bill to prove it. A new normal to navigate. The four of us coming and going more separately and less together than ever. Another set of unknowns to become familiar with, as yet unidentified but no less just around the corner. And new expectations to mitigate and manage. Parenting is forever all of this. There's no parenthood nirvana to arrive at. Instead, only brief stops at viewpoints of bliss, joy, and serenity in the endeavor; for any kind of arrival seems only to indicate an impending departure.

~

We're at T minus 5 months to the launch of our oldest not at all just like that because I've attended every second of every minute of these last 18 child-rearing years either physically or mentally and most often, both. And so I'm tired, worn out and road weary from hefting the unwieldy combined weight of motherhood and marriage. From incessantly fighting the good fight of forging our way in the world as an intact and functional family. It doesn't feel like we've arrived here today just like that. Not even a little.

~

Do I want to have sat the bench for even one long day in the lives of the two sweet souls I've been gifted with for what will probably eventually seem like the briefest of moments? Not at all. Do I wish I felt differently than I do about how altogether daunting and seemingly undoable at times raising littles into bigs has been? For a long time I did, but not anymore. Not today. Not even a little.

~

Because not at all just like that I've realized I'm not a bad mom or one who's doing it wrong for feeling like this parenting gig has wrecked me. It was always supposed to have totaled me. Breaking into bits of myself during the bringing up of our children, a task harder than I could never possibly have imagined or comprehended beforehand is the very thing that's allowed me to construct a heart so completely for them, so in love with them, so committed to helping them through, so capable of absorbing their everything and so singularly in support of who they are and who they will become.

~

Just like that is not at all how motherhood has gone down for me. Not even a little. And not at all just like that, I'm finally ok with this. Because I'm a mom who fiercely loves her kids and shows up for them no matter what and even though. The kind of mom I was always supposed to become, though not at all just like that.