* I wrote this post during a time that I felt extremely overwhelmed with all that motherhood is. I think some of you will relate. This post can also be found on my blog at www.thrillermom.blogspot.com *
Today was the day.
I almost lost it.
I know my household expects me to be the daily superhero. To calmly and graciously step into my role as mommy, nurse, chef, bowel plumber, referee, sex slave, need I go on?!
I know this to be true because my oldest said to me, "I'm sooo hungry! I need to eat! Why aren't YOU cooking the food yet?!" Check out the emphasis on "YOU." Umm hmm.
I'll bet you flinched and held your breath because you KNOW. You know for yourselves that that didn't go over smoothly. I was tired, overwhelmed with things to do, needing chocolate (NO it's not THAT time), being pawed at, and all before tasting my sweet nectar!
Ohhh coffee. How I love thee! Didn't reading the word make you want some?!
The opportunity to state my claim presented itself and I took advantage. I bellowed from my soul that "I am not a maid! Nor will I be treated like one!" REAL maids get paid CASH for what they do! My wallet/purse/billfold looks the same every day. So...no maid service here!
Everything from that point on was down hill. My house was the circus/zoo I pray daily to tame. I almost broke my pancreas (ha) trying to step over toys! It was like a war zone! There were naked cubs running around charging each other with plastic tools, swords, and my spatulas. Body parts were sloshing and swinging all around!
Someone showed up unexpectedly right at crunch time. That's cause enough for beheading! Dishes and laundry blocked the entrance to EVERY room and I. just. couldn't. breathe.
"Where was the Mr?" you ask? Ohhh, well, he was around. Helping here. Helping there. Doing here. Doing there. But we ALL know that (some) men have a way of getting out of things when it really gets down to the nitty-gritty!
I barely washed a toe in the shower before having to get out. My Mr, however, did his shaving and had music playing during his 15 minutes of shower fame! Yes...
Time for music? Where are they doing that?!
I could go on and on about the nervous breakdown I almost agreed to. My brain, nerves, body, and soul had an extensive discussion about whether this was the right time. One can't simply have a nervous breakdown ya know?! Everything in a mother's life is governed by a to-do list. That includes sicknesses and mental collapses.
We run the show. Admit it.
This post is less about epiphanies and more about an admittance, my admittance, of not having it all together. There are days when I don't want to be the mama. I don't want the responsibility of being responsible for others. I want to polish my nails, circle wanted items in magazines, eat junk food, complain about petty stuff, and have a little nookie on the living room floor without the worry of getting caught. And I want a messy, prolonged cuddle afterwards that leads to a nap, too!
It's okay to NOT be supermom all the time. And it's okay to admit that you don't want to be. We all LOVE our cubs to infinity and back. We will do anything for them. But that love makes us no less human. We all NEED breaks and time to be.
I often stay up super late at night (like now) to bask in solitude. It's at 12 or 1 a.m. that I can hear myself think. It's as if I say, "Oh here I am. I do exist."
Do you know what I mean?
If you can't relate to this madness, good for you. You must be one of those rare but lucky ones who have it all figured out. I, unfortunately, am not. Some days I even wonder what the hell I was thinking! Lol! But I love my girls. Without them, I am nothing. I can't live apart from them no matter how crAzy they make me!
I'm a martyr for motherhood! The insanity is a drug and I overdose every. damn. day.
Maybe I'll have that nervous breakdown tomorrow. But I'll have to check my to-do list first!
*As parents, we will face these moments many times. I know I have! But I'm learning how to say "no" and that I don't have to be everything to everyone. My girls are old enough now to take some responsibility for some of their life-happenings. I also no longer feel guilty about delegating responsibilities or asking for help when I need it.
I'm a mother but I'm human too. I'm someone with needs just like everyone else. And one of my greatest needs is to be left the heck alone sometimes with my own thoughts and oxygen. Guess what? THAT'S OKAY! That's called balance and rejuvenation.
Never feel guilty for taking time out to care for your TOTAL well-being. That's the only way you'll be able to continue giving your precious family your best! In time, they'll learn from your example and be grateful that you did. *