Most mornings I leave the house looking pretty good. My clothes are all on the right parts of my body, my hair is done, makeup is on and I have an I’m not going to take any crap today attitude. That’s right, I’m a mom and I can handle anything.
OK, so that is what I tell myself when I’m at work, away from my kids. Work ... you know, the eight hours each day that sometimes feels like a vacation. The eight hours of pure bliss where I can visit with my coworkers, check my email, cruise Facebook, take an uninterrupted lunch and drink coffee without the fear of a Hot Wheel being submerged in it.
It is usually the only time of the day that I actually feel in control of something — in control of myself. I know that as soon as I leave that safe haven, my ability to handle anything will be sucked right out of me. As soon as I cross the threshold to motherhood, all hell usually breaks loose.
Let’s take a moment to examine some of my mom mishaps that have happened recently. Most days, it is definitely questionable about whether I am in control of the asylum or not. Sometimes there is no pair of hot mom boots or bad-ass attitude that is going to make me feel like I am in charge of this mom gig. Good thing I still have my day job!
- I paid the kids' delinquent lunch account online while sitting on the toilet at the gym.
- I lied about why the kids drawings and work from school ended up in the garbage. “I’m not sure how those ended up in there. The babysitter must have done it.”
- While shopping at Target, my daughter and I acted like my son did not belong to us. At one point during his wild behavior, I told him quite loudly, “I can’t wait to take you back to your mom and dad’s house.”
- I skipped entire paragraphs in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban thinking they wouldn’t notice. Let’s be honest.... how many of you skip entire pages at bedtime because you are just so dang tired!
- While getting dressed at the gym, I realized I packed my daughters underwear instead of my own. Not such a great feeling when you also have jeans packed for the day.
- Lectured my son for 20 minutes about why boys need to be sensitive to women’s periods. This was in response to him asking how long a period is. Before I could answer, he clarified and said, “I’m talking about a class period at school, not a mom’s period that comes out of her vagina. I know those last forever.” Yup those are fighting words.
- I blamed my son for my body’s hideous release of gas that resulted from too much Chinese food. Desperate times = desperate measures. We were in a small waiting room.
- I recycled the same lunch 3 days in a row and swore to my daughter that the sandwich was freshly made.
- While searching on top of my dresser for their socks, BOTH kids found their baby teeth that the tooth fairy must have forgotten to take with her. In a desperate attempt to avoid a major traumatic event, I said that the teeth belonged to our dead cat and that I just couldn’t get rid of them.
- I decided to try the old wives tale that says rubbing copious amounts of Preparation H on your stomach will get rid of stretch marks from childbirth. Seemed like a good idea until my daughter decided to read the label, and asked “mom, what does it mean when they say relieves the pain and itching from bowel movements?”
- After getting out of the shower, my son said “mom, look at these things I can spin — I’m going to call them the spinners” (testicles). I proceeded to tell him, “If you continue to spin them, they will be gone when you wake up.”
Despite all of my mishaps and not so great behavior, my kids still love me. I am one lucky mom!!
P.S. Looks like I better forget about putting in for the “Mother of the Year Award.”