It wasn’t starting out as one of my best mornings...
The older teen had to be up and out of the house at the crack of dawn for some football thing, the younger teen had spent the entire night playing Minecraft and eating cheesy salsa - which, apparently, he prepared all over every surface of my kitchen and his bedroom - and the husband had an early morning appointment that he could not be late for, which meant he had dibs on the bathroom...so I was left showerless (and mirrorless) to drive my son to an outing with 30 of his teammates.
Without my morning coffee, and still in “workout clothes” - old yoga pants and a ratty t-shirt - I was a true vision of beauty, and just an all around delightful person to hang with...so you can imagine how pleased I was when we arrived at the school and ALL the other moms were not only there, but actually looked happy about it!
They were even dressed...in real clothes...like you’d wear to go out of your house and be seen in...
I planned to do the usual “drop and roll”, pretending I had somewhere really important to be in the next 5 minutes and simply could not stop to chat, but as soon as my son’s body cleared the minivan door, one of the peppy moms GOT IN! I don’t even know how she did it, it was like some kind of ninja houdini move...but there she was, sitting in my passenger’s seat with her head bouncing up and down and squawking at me like a parrot and asking me “did you hear?!” “DID you HEAR?!”
HEAR WHAT?! OH MY GAH...?! Why are you in my car? How are you so energetic?! Why do you smell like donuts and Chanel? And do you have coffee?? WHAT?!
In her most offended and obnoxious voice, she asked if I had heard the rumor that some of the fathers had been at a bonfire and apparently came up with a “MILF” list! Of course she was on it...but according to her, so was I!
I had to think about that for a minute because in my caffeine fog, I heard “MILK” and wasn’t really sure how I fit into that category...but when I realized what she had actually said, I was even more confused. First of all, who chose that list? Were any of them hot? How do they know me? Were my son’s friends there...ewwww! Why wasn’t I invited to the bon fire? Was there food? How did she get on that list? Were the standards high? Have any of those people seen me before coffee? But most importantly, am I supposed to be offended?” And it’s that last question that actually came flying out of my mouth. But I’m thinking (judging by my friend’s reaction) that wasn’t the right question...
“OF COURSE you should be offended! You should be pissed! Do you know what MILF stands for? Is that how the dads SEE us?”
Personally, sitting there in my 15 year old minivan which smells like spoiled gatorade and gym socks, wearing stretched out yoga pants, a Jonas brothers t-shirt, no bra, no coffee, no shower, and cheesy salsa as both make-up and hair product...I was kind of flattered. It’s not like I would ever act on that acronym, but the thought that at 43 years old with 2 teens and a 26 year marriage, I made the list, well that put a pretty big pep in my step.
When I got home that day, I didn’t just drink coffee and clean up the cheesy kitchen until it was time for the next pick up...I blasted the stereo and had a dance party with Maroon 5 in my kitchen! I actually did a workout in my workout clothes, then I put on a bra and some “outside clothes”, and smiled at myself in the mirror while I brushed my teeth. Unlike my friend who chose to be offended at her new title, I chose to realize that even though some days I may feel like a taxi drivin’, house cleanin’, bad hair day havin’ , hot mess of a zombie mom...to the other parents who are doing and feeling the same things, “hot mess” is just the new “hot”. And we still “got it”.
I have a feeling this is going to be a pretty awesome day!